


My wish for you

by norwegianssweethearts



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Chris and Yousef dance too, Eva centric kinda?, Eva is a dancer, F/M, Friendship, Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Grief, Jonas is dead, Pining, Sadness, They're all friends, a lot of friendship, au i guess, because come on!, but most things are still canon, honestly, mom!Eva, not a lot of dance tho, oh and Model!Chris, they're all grieving Jonas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:58:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 37,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norwegianssweethearts/pseuds/norwegianssweethearts
Summary: When Jonas dies in a car accident at 25, it creates a real Tsunami in everyone’s life. Sana realizes that she and Yousef might not be on the same wavelength anymore, William has a drunk promise to fulfill, Noora has a secret, Isak feels more alone than ever and Eva is left alone to raise her and Jonas's wonderful daughter, Alma. In such tragic times, they learn that sometimes, darkness leads you to light.For Eva, the bright light just happens to look like a certain boy from her past.





	1. Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. 
> 
> Here is my fic for the Skam big bang 2018. You can find the wonderful art that was created especially for that story by Julia (crackandcanonships) here: https://www.instagram.com/dancerevav/ 
> 
> This is my first complete Chris/Eva fanfic. I really hope you will enjoy it. 
> 
> Fair warning: I wrote this story to explore Eva's character and how she would deal with losing Jonas in a car accident. The first part is about her and how she deals with being alone. Chris makes his first appearance much later.  
> In this story, they're all friends with each other, and that includes William and Chris. I also listed Even/Isak as a pairing because Isak is an important part of this story, however Even makes only one brief appearance. 
> 
> This story is probably the saddest thing I've ever written. Every character has their own way to deal with the tragic death of their friend. I put a tiny bit of myself in each one of them and I sincerely hope you'll love them as much as I do. 
> 
> It was partly inspired by My wish for you, from Rascal Flatts.
> 
> A huge thanks to Taylor (@tailsbeth), who helped me edit this story. Her support throughout the creative process has been amazing and I can't wait to collab with her again. Everyone should definitely check her own work, here or on her tumblr: tailsbeth-writes.tumblr.com.
> 
> Thanks to Julia (@crackandcanonships), for creating Eva's Instagram and for organizing the Skam big bang. I love your idea and all the picture you've chosen so much.

**I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow**

**And each road leads you where you want to go**

**And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose**

**I hope you choose the one that means the most to you**

**And if one door opens to another door closed**

**I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window**

**If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile**

**But more than anything, more than anything**

  
****

_“I’ve never been known to give speeches about love. My specialty is more rants about capitalism. But today, I’ll try to tell you about the wonderful love story that is mine. The first time I saw Eva, I was a kid. Love and feelings weren’t really my priorities. The first time I noticed Eva, she was my then-girlfriend’s best friend. The more I spent time with Eva, the more I felt weirdly attracted to her. She would never leave my mind._

_Odds weren’t in our favour though, and I remember waiting for a sign to make a move on her. Fortunately for me, she felt the same way as I did, and had the guts to kiss me. We were only 16, and maybe we were a bit too young, but I remember feeling deep down that Eva would be forever part of my life. I wasn’t wrong. Life got in the way but she never really left my mind. I knew that she would always be there for me, as a friend or more._

_We grew up individually but I was lucky enough to watch her become this beautiful, clever girl from afar. One day, I received a text that changed everything. We started having conversations again, and it was as if we had never lost our connection. It took us a few weeks to get ourselves to admit that we could be more again, but when we admitted that maybe it was exactly what we wanted, it felt exactly like fate. I couldn’t let her go again. I’m so glad that she gave me a second chance._

_Eva,_

_I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. I cannot picture a life where you’re not by my side. Today, in front of our families and our dearest friends, you said yes. Some people might think that we’re too young to know that we’ll spend our lives together but I feel like it’s a given. You have a place in my heart forever, and I feel blessed to have one in yours, too. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t wait to see what fate has got for us. I know that you were disappointed because I told you I didn’t want to give a speech in front of everyone, but I wanted to surprise you. I hope it didn’t sound too cheesy for your liking. I managed not to speak about capitalism, you see? There’s a lot more I could say about you, and us, but I’ll stop there. I hope you know how much I love you and I can wait to remind you every day._

_I can’t wait to grow old by your side. ”_ Jonas Noah Vasquez.

*******

Alma is crying. Eva can hear her in her crib. She’s calling her. 

“Mama, mama.” 

But Eva can’t move. She’s paralyzed. She can’t breathe correctly, tears are falling down on her cheeks. She tries to pull herself back together but every time she thinks she can stop crying, she remembers and burst into tears once again.

Jonas is gone. He died. 

This morning, he was there, with her, laughing because Alma wanted to drink her dad’s coffee. He was in a rush but took the time to kiss her goodbye. He said “see you later”, hugged his daughter and left. 

Tonight, two policemen rang her doorbell, asked her if she was Eva Vasquez and when she said yes, they told her that her husband had been in a fatal accident. 

It took just one second for her whole world to collapse. 

She refrained from screaming because she didn’t want to frighten Alma but she felt her heart exploding in her chest.

Every time her daughter crosses her mind, she cries harder. Alma won’t ever see her dad again. She won’t grow up with him. She might not remember Jonas. 

After a while, her instincts kick in and she climbs up the stairs to go see her daughter. Alma is watching her. She smiles at her and starts babbling as soon as she spots her mom. “Mama mama”

“Hey love,” she says, taking Alma in her arms. She instantly burst into tears when the little girl hugs her. 

“I’m so sorry my baby” she whispers in her hair. “So, so sorry”

Alma is almost two years old so she’s old enough to notice that something is wrong. “Mama sad?” she asks and Eva is crying too much to be able to answer. She holds Alma closer and goes back to the living room.  

The little girl stays in her embrace calmly. Eva runs her fingers into her curls and tries to breathe. She almost succeeds to calm herself when the little girl asks for her dad. Another rush of sadness goes through her body. Eva does not even know how to tell Alma that Jonas won’t ever come home. How can you break the news to a toddler? Can she understand? What words do you have to use? Does she tell her now? 

She takes a huge breath and caresses Alma’s cheek. 

“My baby, your dad won’t come home”. Alma seems surprised. Eva remembers a documentary she saw a few months ago in which specialists said that you had to be straightforward with children of young age. As she doesn’t want to lie to her child, she continues. 

“Alma, your dad died in a car accident today. He will always love you very much, okay? He won’t be there with us anymore, but he loves us very very much. He didn’t choose to leave us”. Obviously, she can’t mask her emotions but, she manages to finish her sentence. It is more than hard to explain the situation to Alma, but she can’t see herself lying to her. Alma is very much attached to Jonas and Eva knows she will ask about him a lot if she doesn’t know the truth. Alma saw the policemen, she probably heard them talking so she knows that something is up. Eva and Jonas always chose to be upfront with her and to talk to their daughter about everything happening in their lives, so she just felt like she had no other choice.

Surprisingly, she feels a bit relieved. Alma is watching her with her eyes widely opened and just nods. Then she goes down her mom’s lap to go play with her toys in her corner of the living room.

She takes a few minutes to compose herself. She feels empty like she isn’t in her body anymore. She is on automatic mode, her mind is blurry. She watches her daughter, letting the tears fall down.

She’s alive. She doesn’t feel alive, but she is.

She doesn’t really know what she has to do. She should probably call Jonas’ parents but she doesn’t feel strong enough to talk to them. She should prepare dinner, seeing what time it is, but she isn’t hungry. 

So she just stays on the couch. Alma stays relatively quiet and Eva feels like she’s just adjusting to her own state. She knows that Jonas died, but she doesn’t understand what it means. Her mind is waiting for him to open the door like he did every day. He won’t cross that door anymore. She will not be able to feel his lips on hers anymore, she won’t see his smile again, she won’t argue with him anymore, she won’t see him again. _Not even one time._ He’s gone forever. She won’t even get another second with him. She didn’t say goodbye.

It can’t be true. It can’t be happening. Not to Jonas, not to Alma, not to her.

Jonas is only 25 and you don’t die at 25. You don’t lose the love of your life at 25 either. And you certainly don’t lose your dad when you’re not even 2 years old. 

A part of her brain knows that it is happening and the other part denies the reality. Her mind seems to switch between the two every second, which makes her feel numb.  

Her phone brings her back to reality when it beeps. It’s not an important email, but it impulses her to open the group chat she’s part of with the girls since Nissen. She doesn’t want to talk now because she knows she won’t be able to form coherent sentences. 

 **Eva:** Girls,

She hits send. 

 **Eva:** Jonas had a car accident

She takes a huge breath and hesitates on what exactly she should write to the girls. She understands that it is extremely harsh to learn a friend’s death by a text but she can’t bring herself to call one of them.

 **Eva:** It’s over

She puts her phone on the table and forgets about it for a while. She goes to Alma and sits down next to her. She takes one of her toys and shakes it in front of her. The little girl smile and climbs into her mom’s lap. Eva cuddles her, tears falling down her cheeks.

The little girl babbles a bit and catches one of her books. She starts turning the pages and then looks at Eva. “Isak book,” she says, hitting the book with her hands.

“Yeah, it’s Isak gift, my love” 

_Isak._

She sobs. She has to call people. Jonas’ family, Isak… She has to find the courage to tell them.

She grabs her phone and notices that she received a lot of texts from the girls. Noora even tried to call her three times.

 **Chris:** What? 

 **Chris:** omg Eva, are you okay?

 **Vilde:**??????

 **Vilde:** really?

 **Vilde:** Eva?

 **Sana:** Eva, are you alone? Are you home?

 **Noora:** I’m so sorry Eva, Vilde called me but I’m in Copenhagen. Call me back?

 **Sana:** As you don’t answer, I will come to yours okay? 

 **Noora:** William is on his way darling 

 **Vilde:** Tell me if I can do something 

She answers them: “I’m home”

Alma is still on her lap so she moves away, takes a huge breath and dials Isak’s number. 

When he answers, she’s sobbing so he knows right away that something is off. It takes her a few seconds to be able to speak. 

“Isak, Jonas had a car accident.” 

She hears him taking a breath. 

“He’s gone, Isak.” 

They both burst into tears. She tries to calm herself and when she doesn’t hear Isak’s sobs anymore, she says “I’m sorry to ask you that, but could you call his parents? I don’t have the strength right now”. He agrees and then asks her if she wants him to come but she tells him that Sana and William are coming over, so she isn’t alone. 

They’re surprisingly very collected and calm. 

“Is this real?” he asks her after a while. 

“I can’t believe it.” she says, honestly. “Call someone, okay? Promise me not to stay alone”

“I… ”

“Isak, you can call Even, okay?” she whispers.

“I think I’m going to go to his parents’ house, Eva. I’ll call you later, okay? I need time.”

“Yeah, yeah of course. I’m sorry, I can’t think straight.” she starts weeping again.

“It’s okay,” he replies before hanging up abruptly.

She had a couple of hours to stomach the news, and she should have given Isak a few more minutes to process what she told him before trying to organize things. She’s too tired to think correctly. She comes back to the living room to lay down on Alma’s rug. Alma comes closer to her and snuggles against her. Her mind is racing too quickly to find sleep, but at least she can try to relax.  

***

She hears William’s car in the alley. Alma is still on her rug, reading her book. She stands up and goes to the door. She opens it before he can ring. When she sees Sana and William, she immediately collapses but William and Sana catch her quickly. She feels lifted from the ground. Next thing she knows, she’s on the couch, Sana on her side. She takes a quick look at her daughter who is nestled in William’s embrace. Sana runs her fingers in Eva’s curls. 

“When did you hear the news?” she says.

“Policemen came by a few hours ago,” she whispers. She tries to wipe her tears and Sana hands her a tissue. 

“What did they say?” Sana asks. 

“They left a note if you want to read it.” She feels William sitting at her feet. 

“He was coming home and had an accident” she adds. She takes a huge breath. 

William takes the note from the table. When he is done reading, he looks at Eva and holds Alma closer. 

“I’m sorry.” 

She nods and gives him a tiny smile. She can see that he’s also affected. Jonas and William have never been particularly close, but they’ve known each other since Nissen and spent a lot of time together over the years. 

“What does the note say?” Sana chimes in. She takes the paper sheet that William hands her. 

“Basically what Eva said? He died on the spot, a few hours ago. It apparently wasn’t his fault. ” His voice is raspy, and it’s obvious that he is fighting tears. 

Sana looks at Eva. 

“Did you tell Alma?” Eva nods. 

“I had to, yeah. She was there when the policemen came, and I thought it would be best to tell her what happened because I couldn’t hold my tears back. ” she replies. Sana nods.

William touches her arm and says “It was the right thing to do.”

Sana stands up abruptly and stretches her arms. “Alma, you come with me? I’m gonna give you food.” she says, holding back her tears. Alma nods “Yeah aunt Sana” and she disappears with Sana in the kitchen.

William moves to be closer to Eva but he doesn’t speak. The silence of the room soon becomes heavy and overwhelming. Eva can’t control her tears and has trouble breathing. She tries to move on the couch to find a better position but fails. Her heart is racing again, her mind is fuzzy. Suddenly, she feels William’s arms around her. 

“I’m gonna die William” she cries out. 

“No, Eva, you’re not. I promise you” he replies softly. 

“I’ve got a few pills with me, to help you find sleep. Do you want to take them? ” he continues. 

“I don’t know… Alma is —” she says, resting her head on his arm. 

“We’ll take care of her, don’t worry. You’re exhausted, Eva. Go to sleep. The pills will help.” 

She closes her eyes and when she opens them again, William is sitting next to her, a glass of water in one hand and pills in the other. 

“I brought you snacks if you’re hungry.” She shakes her head.  

“Figured,” he whispers. She drinks the water, swallowing the pills.

“Do you wanna sleep in your room?” he asks her, taking the glass from her hand. She nods. “Yeah, I guess” she whispers before realizing what it means. 

Sleeping in her room means sleeping in the bed she shares with Jonas, with his side unmade. His side will be cold, she won’t be able to wake him up with a kiss or curled herself in his arms. She won’t hear him mumble when their alarm will go off, she won’t fall asleep spooning. Being alone in her bedroom seem too triggering for now. “Actually, I think that I prefer not to.” she corrects. William nods and thinks for a moment before asking 

“Do you want me to put a bed in Alma’s room?” and that seems to be their best option for now so she agrees. William has spent enough time in their house to know where to find everything he needs.

She starts feeling a bit sleepy, so she goes to the kitchen and finds Sana feeding Alma. She sits down next to her friend and kisses her daughter. Alma giggles and she finds herself smiling at how precious this baby girl is. She looks intensively at her and she realizes that she’s ultimately the only thing Jonas left to this world. What a wonderful gift. 

She lets a few tears fall down. Sana takes her hand. When their eyes meet, she can see how emotional Sana is. She hears her taking a huge breath.

“Everyone is with you. The girls don’t want to bother you, but they’re thinking about you. I’ve called Isak too. Yousef is on his way to Drammen to pick him up. He called Mahdi and they both will spend the night at his house. The boys are taking care of him, don’t worry” 

Eva nods. 

“Great. I didn’t want him to be alone. Do you know if he called Jonas’s parents? ” she asks. Sana nods. 

“He called Thea. He said she will probably call you tomorrow.” 

Alma stretches her arms out to her mother and Eva takes her in her arms. 

“Yeah, right. And Magnus? ” 

“Yousef said Mahdi contacted him on Facebook, but nobody knows where he is. Who knows if he still checks Facebook?” Sana shrugs. “Mahdi said it’s been years since he last saw him and Vilde doesn’t know much either, but she suggested contacting his dad if he doesn’t answer.” 

“Okay. I think I’m going to sleep, Sana. William gave me pills and I can’t keep my eyes open. ”

“Of course, Eva. Do you want us to take care of her? ” She says, pointing to the little girl.

“Would you mind…?” 

Sana nods.  “Not at all, Eva. Go to sleep. We’ll stay with her. ” she says.

Eva can see his Sana’s eyes that she’s struggling not to cry. She wants to appear stronger than she is, as always so she adds: “Sana, go to sleep too, okay?” She gives Alma a kiss. They exchange I love yous. She explains to her that Sana will take care of her. The little girl seems to understand that something is happening so she doesn’t put up a fight and let her mom go with a “Good Night Mamma” 

She is almost out of the kitchen when she turns around, and stops for a few seconds. “San’, do you know if Isak called Even?” Sana bites her lip and shakes her head. “Elias did.” 

“Okay,” she answers. “Thank you, Sana, goodnight”

She meets William in the middle of the stairs. “I put Alma’s crib in the guest room. Do you need anything else? ”. She grabs his arm and smiles. “No, thank you. I’m very sleepy so I’m just gonna lay down. ”

He nods. “Don’t hesitate to wake us up if necessary, okay?” 

“Don’t worry. Thanks, William. Goodnight. ”

She’s exhausted, but once she is alone in her daughter’s room, laying on a small bed, reality hits her harder than before. Luckily, the pills William gave her knock her out relatively quickly.

In the kitchen, Sana is trying to distract Alma, who should be sleeping. She’s texting Yousef, who arrived at Isak’s place, when William speaks. 

“You want me to put Alma to sleep?” She brings her attention to him and says “no, it’s okay, I’m going to do it.”

He sits down next to her and says “Are you okay?” She gives him a not so convincing smile. “It’s not fair.” she lets out. 

“No, it’s not. I still have some sleeping pills, if you want. It’s not dangerous, I promise”

“How did you think of that? I am a doctor and didn’t think of bringing any. ”   

“Experience, I guess,” he replies. “I still need them sometimes,” he adds. Sana nods. “Will, if it does bring back bad memories, you can go back to yours, I’ll handle the night myself.” 

“No, no. It’s okay, don’t worry. I’ll be more helpful here. Noora is not even home” he says.

“When does she come back?”

“She’s flying back tomorrow. She asked to come back early. ” he says.

“Oh, great.”

“Yeah” 

Alma yawns. “Wanna sleep” she says. Sana stands up. “Yes darling, come with me”. The little girl goes to kiss William good night before following Sana’s steps. 

William pours himself a glass of water and prepares coffee. He takes his phone and answers Noora’s texts.

 **William:** I don’t think she realizes yet, tomorrow might be worse. We’re taking care of Alma

 **Noora:** I can imagine, yeah. Does Alma know?

 **William:** yes, she told her. She was here when the police arrived so she couldn’t hide it. She might not realize entirely but she knows sometimes wrong, she’s so quiet 

 **Noora:** poor baby. How are you holding up?

 **William:** I’m fine, Sana is very affected 

 **Noora:** You can call me, love

 **William:** don’t worry about me

 **Noora:** I miss you, so much. I would like to be in your arms right now

 **William:** I miss you too, I’ll pick you up at the airport tomorrow 

 **Noora:** Yes. Promise me to go to sleep

 **William:** I will, I love you

 **Noora:** Love you

Then he wonders for a moment if he should let Chris know about the accident or not. He knows that Eva and he have lost contact over the years, but he thinks that Chris should know about such a tragic event, even more so now that he’s back in Oslo for good. So he decides to write him a text.

 **William:** Chris, just thought you should know, Jonas died in a car accident today.

He pockets his phone and serves himself a cup of coffee. 

Sana comes back and sits down next to him. 

“Alma asked for her dad, I think, but I distracted her with a story” she says. Sana seems exhausted. William doesn’t think he’s seen her without makeup before. She definitely looks younger. He nods.

“Do you wanna go to sleep now or do you want to eat something?” he says.

“I don’t even know what I want” she replies.

“So, can I make you pasta? Would it be okay with you?” he says, looking at her.

“William, you really wanna sit there, in his kitchen, eating pasta?” she says with a thick voice.

“Sana, I picked you up at the hospital, where you have been working all day and part of the night before, you have to eat something,” he replies, firmly. “ I don’t want to force you, but you need to eat. ”

“I’m old enough to know what I need, William” she snaps, giving him a dirty look. 

“Okay, okay, Sana” he replies, standing up to go to the counter. “I will leave some in the fridge if you’re hungry later.”

“Why are you acting like everything is normal and Jonas didn’t die today?” she lashes out. As soon as the sentence is out, she knows she made a mistake. 

William looks at her, biting his lip. He breathes out. “I’m going for a smoke” 

Sana looks at him but before she can apologize, William is out of the kitchen, with his phone and cigarettes. 

“Shit.” 

She follows him on the porch and sits down next to him on the stairs. 

“I shouldn’t have said that; I know you just wanna help” she tells him.

“It’s okay. It’s a hard time for everyone,” he replies. 

“It was unfair. You were better friends with Jonas than I was. ” she adds.

“Maybe, but we’ve known him for more or less the exact same length of time, so I don’t think it matters that much.”

“I don’t fully realize that I won’t ever see him again” she says, her voice filled with tears. 

“Me neither.” 

“I feel so weird, so numb. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, but at the same time, we can’t just sit somewhere and wait for time to pass. ” 

“I know” he takes a drag of his cigarette. “I feel the same. Being active prevents me from dealing with reality, I think. ”

“I get that” she says. “You were right too, W. I should eat something, and go to sleep” she admits shyly. He nods.

“So do you want me to cook pasta?” he says, almost smiling.

“I could cook if you want to” she suggests. He gives her a curious look.

“That’s not what Yousef would say”. It almost makes them both laugh but they just share a look, wondering the same thing. How can you laugh when one of your friends will never have the chance to, ever again?

Sana puts her hand on William’s shoulder to help herself stand up and goes to the kitchen. She finds everything they need to make pasta, quickly checks if she can eat everything and starts boiling the water. William arrives in the kitchen and takes over, so she sits down.   

“I don’t even know what the procedure is?” she says quietly. “What does Eva have to do?”

“We’ll call a funeral director tomorrow. He’ll tell us everything. The police have dealt with some of the most urgent things with Eva when they came, according to the note they left. There’s also a few phone numbers, on it, if needed.”

Sana tries to breathe. “Do you know if his parents will want to take care of things? Or will Eva be left alone to deal with everything?”

Noticing that Sana is getting anxious, William sits down close to her. “We’re gonna deal with everything Eva isn’t able to deal with. I’ve not talked a lot about his family with Jonas, but from the things I know, and remember, they weren’t really close, we’ll have to ask Isak tomorrow.”

“Did we call everyone?” she asks.

“I guess. Everyone from our group of friends, at least” he answers.

Sana nods.

They quickly eat their pasta and then go to bed. Sana is sleeping with Alma in the guest room and William stays in the living room, on the couch. Exhaustion knocks them out relatively quickly. 

***

The next few days pass in a blur. There are a lot of people in the house, lots of things to do, to decide. 

As Eva’s mom is out of Norway right now, her aunt takes Alma with her to allow Eva to deal with everything without worrying about her daughter. At first, Eva does not like the idea of leaving Alma but she realizes that Alma needs calm. She calls her on FaceTime every day. Thea helps her choose some things, along with Isak. Jonas’s parents are not really in a state of mind that would allow them to be involved with Jonas’s funerals organization. Noora and William stay with Eva and Isak in the house since their work allows them to. The other ones are quickly thrown back to the real world. They keep in touch by message, do what they can to help Eva.  

Nothing is easy for Eva. 

Waking up knowing that Jonas isn’t sleeping next to her is a nightmare. There’s always a few seconds where everything feels normal and she expects to find him but instead her hand feels an empty space next to her. Her heart breaks all over again. Going to sleep alone is heart breaking, she still can’t go back to their bedroom. Finding something that belongs to him reminds her that he will never use it again and makes her burst into tears. In this house, their house, which they bought together, everything reminds her of him. She can’t forget that he once sat there, or that he touched that. She can hear him laugh, she can smell him almost. She has so many memories in this house. So many good memories.

Jonas was so proud to be able to buy it. It’s a tiny house, situated outside Oslo, but it is theirs. It will always be his house. She doesn’t believe in ghosts, but Eva knows that his soul is still there. Sometimes at night, she can feel his presence. It may sound very dumb but there is no way Jonas just left her alone, left them alone. No way.

Nothing is easy for Isak either.     

Having to answer people’s texts is not simple. He never knows what to reply because he just wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to talk, to anyone. He doesn’t even want to talk to Eva. He doesn’t know what to tell her. He feels like he wants to die because he lost his absolute best friend so he can’t even imagine what she’s feeling right now. Together, they make choices for the ceremony and try to deal with everything that has to be done. However, they don’t really talk together. Jonas was always the one good with words, Isak thinks that there is nothing to say now that Jonas is gone forever.

He knows that Eva wants him to contact Even, but he doesn’t see the point. It seems weak. What would he say? “Hey, Even, we haven’t talked since we broke up two years ago, but Jonas died in an accident so I feel like dying right now and I need to hear your voice?” He’s almost sure someone called Even already anyway. He probably knows that Jonas had an accident. And Isak feels like the only person in the whole world that didn’t send him a text is actually Even, so he’s probably too busy with his new girlfriend to care about them.

There’s another person from whom he has no news: Magnus. Even if he disappeared from their lives after his breakup with Vilde, he thought that he would get in touch with them after their messages. Apparently, he was wrong. 

The most difficult thing for everyone involved is going to see his coffin. It makes everything more real, it’s a very ambivalent feeling. As much as seeing his coffin hurts, it also helps them accept the reality because Jonas is really there, in the same room as them. Those are the last moments they can spend with him. They feel the need to spend time with him even though they loathe seeing his coffin. They can’t deny reality but as long as they can see his coffin in this sterilised room, he’s not gone. 

Noora and William try their best to support Eva and Isak as much as they can. Eva can see how many things they take care of even before she knows they have to be done. 

Whereas Noora helps more with the emotional aspect of everything, William is more practical. 

He knows that Isak doesn’t want to talk for the moment, so he just suggests him smoking breaks. They even finish Jonas’s weed together. 

Eva and Noora pick Eva’s and Alma’s outfits for the funerals together. It’s the first time she actually goes to their bedroom. Eva doesn’t even feel like she’s conscious for the most part. The room feels like an open void, the memories she holds there are emptying out of it. She chooses to wear a black dress that Jonas loved. Alma will wear the black and yellow dress that Jonas bought her just a few weeks before.   

When the day of the funeral comes, everyone meets again. It’s horrible to think that it gets a tragedy to get together. 

It’s a really short and conventional ceremony but very beautiful and emotional nonetheless. It’s almost an out-of-body experience for Eva. She greets everyone, listens to their condolences but her brain doesn’t register what is happening around her. Those people are faceless, she doesn’t know if it’s cold or warm, if the sun is shining or not. She doesn’t understand what is said during the ceremony either. Her body is there but her mind is far away, with Jonas. 

She’s only brought back to earth when she hears Jonas’s voice. That’s when reality hits her and she cracks. Isak and her pondered for a long time if they should choose one of the recordings of Jonas singing a song. They finally decided, with his family’s approval, to play his version of “My Wish” from Rascal Flatts that he recorded with Isak for Alma’s first birthday. 

It’s very hard and heartbreaking for everyone to hear his voice. Even if Eva is crying her heart out and feels physically sick, hearing Jonas’s voice is a little oxygen bubble. It’s her last goodbye to her love.   

A lot of people have also sent flowers and cards. Eva doesn’t know how some of them heard the news, but she’s moved to know how much Jonas was loved. Eskild and Linn, Jonas’s coworkers, Ingrid, Sara, Even, some teachers from their schools, some neighbours, and Christoffer. 

He sent flowers, with just a little note. He didn’t write anything too personal. It’s just to let her know he keeps both Eva and her daughter in his thoughts. When Noora gives her the bouquet, with a tiny smile, she says “He won’t come to the ceremony, but he wanted to make a gesture.” She nods. 

The few days before and the funeral itself pass in a blur. They are all in automatic mode, acting more by instinct and duty than will. Everything becomes vague, blurry mess, times of day and days of the week blending into each other.

*******

After the funeral, Eva has to go back to reality. William and Noora can’t stay at the house forever, neither can she sleep in her daughter’s bed forever. Time stopped in their little bubble for a while, but outside, time flies. People didn’t stop eating, working, watching TV, or laughing. They didn’t stop breathing like Eva did. 

She feels like she’s suffocating, like her oxygen left the world. Without Jonas, she doesn’t feel like she can live her life. All her bearings in life have vanished when he stopped breathing. She stopped breathing too. 

However, there’s a little girl with auburn curls and green eyes that needs her. She’s the only thing Alma has left in this world so Eva has to get up in the morning. She does. She gets up in the morning, gets dressed and takes care of her daughter the best she can. She goes for walks with her, cooks her meals, plays with her and even watches the entire Disney filmography with her. 

Her friends are very present in her life. Isak had to go back to Drammen because he has to go back to work but he texts her almost every day. He hasn’t talked about Jonas or talked to Even yet, but they talk about mundane things and it’s enough for now. William and Noora come by almost every day. Vilde babysits Alma from time to time when Eva has something to do. Sana and Yousef invite her and Alma to dinner once a week. Even Mahdi calls her sometimes. Chris calls her from Spain often. They skype together. Chris makes her laugh. She couldn’t be there for the funeral (and probably didn’t want to be there) but she does everything she can to help Eva from afar. 

She really has the best of friends and she’s glad to have them in her life. Eva realizes fully that without them, she couldn’t have survived. Her mom tries her best to be there for her but she still travels a lot for work and Jonas’s parents are in too much pain to be able to give Eva and Alma the support they deserve. Thea has to deal with her own pain and her parents’ pain, so she doesn’t have that much time for them, and Eva doesn’t really feel like calling her either. Eva was never really close with Jonas’s family and apparently, this tragedy won’t strengthen their ties. 

One month without Jonas and Eva doesn’t feel better. Her pain feels unbearable. Most of the mornings, she doesn’t even think she can get up and affront life. It seems too much.

Today is one of these mornings. There’s a knot in her stomach. She feels like throwing up. She woke up feeling suffocated. Jonas’s side of the bed is irremediably cold. There is still his book on his bedside table. He wasn’t even able to finish it, he won’t ever know the end of the story. There’s also all his clothes. She can’t bring herself to take care of them for now. She just took one of his T-shirt to sleep with. 

She wipes her tears and gets up because Alma has been woken up for a long time. Today, they’re going to spend the day with Sana and Yousef. 

 

When they arrive at their house, Alma is beaming, she loves going to Sana and Yousef house. She loves Yousef a lot. He’s probably the one that plays with her the most, so that helps his case a bit. As always, Yousef suggests to Alma to go to the park just outside their house, and Alma nods happily, “Yes Youyou” she replies. 

“Come back for lunch, you two” Sana says, smiling. Yousef takes his coat and takes Alma, who’s explaining something to him apparently, in his arms.

“Bye bye” he says when they’re at the door. Alma repeats his words and smiles to her mom. “See you soon Mama” she says, making Eva smile.

Eva follows her friend to the living room. Sana has been really down since Jonas’s accident. Eva noticed it right away but dealing with her own pain is as much as she can manage right now. She can’t take care of another person, aside from her daughter. So neither her nor Sana mention Sana’s state of mind and they pretend everything is as good as it can be. It quickly becomes the philosophy of everyone in their group of friends.

She sits down next to Sana on the couch. There is a batch of home cooked biscuits and mint tea on the table, probably courtesy of Sana’s husband. She takes one as Sana pours them cups of tea.

“Chris is coming back soon” Sana starts. “She called me this morning. Diego can’t come with her, unfortunately.” 

Eva nods. “Great. Last time she called, she didn’t know when she would be able to come, I’m glad she found time” 

“How is Alma?” Sana asks. The hesitancy in her voice makes Eva’s heart ache. 

“She’s been an angel, honestly. We went to the doctor last week and I asked if I should, I don’t know, do something more or take her to a psychologist or something but she said that she seems to be stable enough for now. She doesn’t really ask for him, which is a relief for me. She just sometimes mentions him, when she sees something he loved or a picture of him.” Eva replies, trying to keep her voice steady. 

They both sip their tea for a while, in silence. Eva notices quickly Sana’s eyes becoming teary. She gives her a tiny smile and puts her hand on Sana’s arm.

“Sana, what’s going on? Are you okay? ” she asks quietly. Sana bites her lips, looking away. Eva squeezes her arm a bit. “You can tell me. I promise. We all lost him, you know? I realize that I’m not the only one suffering”. She adds.

“I’m obviously very sad about Jonas but me…” Sana confesses. 

“I…” She chokes on tears. She tries to breathe correctly and looks at Eva. 

“It seems so dumb to tell you this Eva, when you just lost your husband, honestly. Yousef and I we’re… having problems.” she finally says. 

Eva is surprised because she hadn’t noticed that there were any changes in their behaviours. 

“What problems? Since when?”

Sana composes herself and sits a bit straighter. 

“Yousef wants to have a child, I don’t.” Eva’s eyes widen at Sana’s admission.

“Oh. Okay”

“And like, it was just something in a distant future for him before what happened. Now, he wants a child right now.”

“And you’re not ready?” Eva says.

“I’m not sure I want kids at all.” Sana admits.

“Oh.” Eva tries to hide her surprise. 

“I told him that it is where I stand for now. Jonas’ death was a shock and it made me realize that I really want to focus on my career. It’s not a definitive no, but I’m not really sure I will change my mind in a foreseeable future” Sana explains. There is so much guilt in her eyes.

“That’s your choice, Sana” Eva replies. “Yousef can’t force you to have a child”

“No, no of course. He doesn’t even try to change my mind. He’s just really sad and disappointed, it gets hard sometimes. I get it, you know? When we decided to get married, I knew he wanted kids. He never hid it from me. I told him we would have kids. We’ve been married for 6 years, he thinks it’s time. I’m 25, he’s 27. Even before Jonas’s accident, he told me once or twice that he would prefer having kids young. I said that I wasn’t ready and he was okay with that. After the accident, he told me that he realized that he didn’t want to waste time anymore.” 

Eva squeezes her hand again. “You’ll figure it out.”

“Sometimes it just feels like we won’t. I hope we will, but everything is so complicated” Sana says. She sighs. “I’m sorry to bother you with my marriage issues, they must seem so insignificant to what you’re dealing with.”

“You don’t bother me, San. Sometimes it’s great to deal with problems that aren’t your own” she tries to play down. Sana smiles.   

When Yousef and Alma come back, lunch is waiting for them. They eat together, speaking about everything. Now that Sana has drawn attention to their issues, she can see the distance between the couple. They always have been affectionate with each other. Today, Yousef seems to avoid touching his wife. 

Eva cannot do anything about it, though. She just hopes Sana and Yousef will work things through. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

When she has to leave them, she hugs Sana a little bit more than usual. She needs to let her know that she’s there for her. 

She drives back to her house. Coming back to an empty house is complicated, but she knows she has to adjust to her new life, even if it feels totally unbearable. Jonas and she have always been a team. They’ve always affronted life together. She felt stronger by his side, and now that he’s gone, life is too overwhelming. There was a time, back in high school where they had drifted apart. She was happy during that time. She had taken time to figure herself out, lived her teenage life fully but Jonas was here. Even if they weren’t really in contact, she would cross path with him almost every day.  They would exchange smiles, looks, or greetings at school. It’s the first time, since she was 14 years old, that Jonas is really not there. He’s in her heart, in her memory, in every breath she takes, of course, but physically, he is not there anymore. She feels her loss in her bones. It’s suffocating. It doesn’t let her sleep at night, it doesn’t let her enjoy happy things fully, and it’s insufferable. Most of the time, she wonders what she would have done if she didn’t have Alma.

Alma is her oxygen bubble. She needs her mom more than ever. Eva tries very hard to give her a stable home. It is quite hard, mostly because Jonas was the one who took care of her lately. He had chosen to take his paternity leave when Alma was one. Eva had taken hers the first months of her life. Then, as Jonas could see that Eva missed teaching dance and dancing, he took over and let his wife go back to teaching. Eva was still spending a lot of time at home, but for the past last months, Alma had spent all of her time with her dad. In retrospect, it was the greatest decision they could take.  Alma was used to having two people with her, and to spend time with her dad. She had to get used to their new dynamic too. Eva decided to never hide anything from her daughter. Therefore, when things are hard, or when Alma is crying without reason, Eva explains the situation to her. She tells her that Jonas had an accident, that now they are alone but that she was more than loved by her dad. She really hopes to see her beautiful daughter grow up knowing that her dad was a fantastic man who loved her with all his heart. 

For now, her life is just an utter chaos. 

*******

Chris comes back to Oslo a few weeks later. She normally sleeps at her mom’s house but this time she asks if Eva would like her to come to her house. Eva accepts joyfully. Chris always has been a breath of fresh air, since Nissen.

Everyone was crushed to see her move to Spain, but they all knew that she would be the happiest there. They never lost contact. Nobody wants Christina Berg to disappear from their life. Chris comes with her arms full of gifts for Alma. Eva has never seen that many unicorns in her life, but the smile Alma gives her aunt Chris warms her heart. Knowing that her daughter has such fantastic people caring about her is overwhelming but also a relief. She will always be surrounded by the greatest people Eva knows.

Eva cooks Chris’ favorite meal. They sit down together in the kitchen, Alma between them. 

“I’m so glad to be there with my favorite girls in the world” Chris says. She leans a bit towards Alma and whispers “Don’t tell Vilde that I said that” with a wink, making her laugh.

Chris seems quite nervous. She doesn’t let time to the silence to settle in. Eva knows that Chris doesn’t deal with difficult situations well, so she lets her ramble a lot. 

Chris is maybe the one that knew Jonas the least because she flew to Granada as soon as they finished school, but Eva knows that she is heartbroken for them. She also knows that the situation they’re in resonates greatly with her. Chris lost her dad when she was only 8 years old and even if it wasn’t accidental, she knows what it means to grow up fatherless, which is probably why Chris tries to make Alma laugh a lot.

When they finish eating, Eva puts Alma to sleep. Chris comes in her room and asks if she can read her a tale. Eva agrees and leaves them alone.

When Chris comes back to the living room, Eva is waiting for her with a cup of peppermint tea. Chris sits down next to her friend to watch episodes of Friends on Netflix. Eva presses play as soon as Chris is settled and sips her tea. They stay up almost all night, laughing together like they did when they were teenagers. There are a lot of things left unsaid, but at the end of the night, Chris is more relaxed and doesn’t really walk on eggshell around Eva anymore, which comes as a relief to Eva. Everyone is being too careful around Eva recently and it’s starting to gnaw at her.

When she wakes up the next morning, she hears Chris and Alma laughing downstairs. Intrigued, she puts her blue gown and joins them. 

In the kitchen, Chris is making pancakes with Alma in her arms. Alma is wearing her pink pyjamas and a Princess crown. 

“Hello!” Chris shouts when she notices Eva’s presence. “Mom is awake! Take a place Eva, Princess and I made you pancakes” 

Eva gives both of them a kiss on the cheek and sits down. A plate full of pancakes with maple syrup is in front of her. Chris sits Alma in her chair next to her mom. Alma has maple syrup everywhere on her face but she is still the cutest.

“When I woke up, I heard Alma talking so I brought her here with me” Chris explains, smiling. “I hope its okay with you” 

“Yeah, of course! She loves you” Eva says.

Chris prepared coffee too and takes two mugs from the cupboard and puts them on the table. 

When she sees them, Alma shouts “Papa cup”, pointing to one of the mugs. Eva instantly turns her head to the mugs and yeah, it is indeed Jonas’ favorite one. He loved taking his first coffee cup in it. It was one of Eva’s funny gift that she bought him when she was pregnant. It’s a simple white mug with “Best dad ever” written on it. Jonas had said that she couldn’t know, at that time, that he was the best dad ever. She replied that she had a sixth sense for that. Eyes quickly filled with tears, Eva smiles to her daughter. “Yeah, Alma. It is your dad mug, but I think he would loan it to Chris, no?” She’s so glad her voice didn’t break halfway into the sentence. Alma nods and Chris sits down and pours the coffee into the mugs. They spend breakfast in silence. Eva and Chris distract themselves with Alma, who loves pancakes as much as her mother. 

After that, Eva goes upstairs to dress herself and Alma. She finds her daughter a cute pink dress and takes time to brush her curls. The little girl is without a doubt calmer than before the accident. She tries not to bother her mother most of the times. She speaks a bit less than she did but overall, she still is Eva’s joyful baby. There were no drastic changes in her behaviour, apart from a bit more reluctance to go to bed, but Eva expected it. Brushing her hair, humming a song, she realizes that it is a relief. When she sees Alma’s smile in the mirror, all she can see is Jonas’ smile and she lets a few tears falling down her cheek. When Eva and Alma come back downstairs, Chris is playing a game on her phone. Eva gives Alma a toy that quickly captivates her attention. 

Both seated on the comfy couch in front of a boring TV program, Eva and Chris don’t talk for a while. Then, Chris turns her body to face her friend, looks at her in the eyes and takes a deep breath. 

“You’re a really good mom, Eva” she tells her, biting her lips. Surprised, Eva smiles. She wipes a few tears. 

“I hope so. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the times. ” she says.      

“You do your best” Chris tells her. She takes Eva’s hands in hers. 

“Growing up without a parent is difficult, I won’t lie to you. But I… ” Chris pauses. “My situation wasn’t the same, as my dad chose to leave us. Alma will know that Jonas wasn’t…” She takes a huge breath. Saying Jonas name is really hard for her. 

“You won’t let her forget him, you know? That’s the most important thing ever.” she tells Eva, who nods.

“I sometimes feel guilty, you know?” she says. 

“If I hadn’t told him that he could go to that new training course, he would be there. What if I had asked him to stay home that day? What if I hadn’t tried to persuade him that we could go back to work in a few months? What if I didn’t ask for a kiss when I knew that he was in a rush?” She adds with a wobbly voice. Chris immediately takes her in her arms.

“No, it doesn’t work like that Evie. It doesn’t… ” Chris’ voice breaks. She tries to compose herself but she quickly gives up. 

Chris avoids difficult situations like that all the time. She really tries to be happy, it’s like a philosophy of life. Her dad battled depression a great part of his life and lost his battle, but he taught his daughters that life was a precious gift, that they should treasure with all their hearts. After his suicide, Chris started dressing with flashy colours, collecting unicorns and decided to be the happiest girl on earth. She wanted to be the brightest, flashiest girl on the planet so that her dad would see her from the sky. She felt good in those clothes so it became her style. 

When she heard about Jonas’s death, her instincts told her to take the first plane to Oslo and be there for her friend. However, it was not possible. Facing people who were suffering, who were crying, not knowing what to say to anybody because there is nothing to say about such a tragedy, it was too much for her. Her brain actually filters bad things and only keeps things that makes her really happy. When she’s faced with a situation like that, where there are no good sides, she freezes. She claimed that she couldn’t leave her bar on short notice and hid in Spain until she felt ready to face Eva and Alma.

“I know it doesn’t work like that, you know? But sometimes, I don’t know, I feel like I can’t control my mind. When I’m alone at night, Alma sleeping in her room, I can’t bring myself to be rational. I feel guilty for things I didn’t do, for the things I did, it’s like I need to blame myself. I can’t stop thinking I should have told him more I love you, or that I should have agreed to go to the cinema with him, even though he wanted to see a movie I didn’t want to watch or some pointless things like that. It’s pointless because what is done is done but, yeah.” Eva admits.

“It’s part of your grief, it’s okay. Things can be more than difficult when you’re grieving. I didn’t know Jonas very well, but I know he loved you with all his heart and wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for things like that.”

Eva wipes her tears and sighs. 

“It’s so hard to know that Alma won’t know him, that he won’t see his princess grow up. It’s very unfair.”

“I know, Eva. I know. She will grow up knowing that her dad loved her and it will be okay. Look at me, Eva! Look at you, too. Look at William, Noora, and Vilde. We all have estranged dads. I know that contexts are widely different, but we’re all proof that it is possible. Alma will grow up without Jonas, and that’s tragic and unfair, but she will grow up knowing that he loved her and that leaving her was not his choice, not his fault, which is great. She will grow up raised by her badass of a mom, too. Everything is going to be okay. You’ve got a great team surrounding you.” Chris manages to say with difficulty.

They stay like in each other arms for a while. Then Alma comes to them and babbles something that probably means that she’s hungry. They go to the kitchen and prepare lunch. Alma’s laughs create a more relaxed atmosphere. During the afternoon, as the sun is shining, they go to the park. Chris and Eva play with Alma on the playground. It’s a relief to see Eva being able to laugh for Chris. Her pain is visible on her face, but she is not closed off, which is great for Alma’s sake.   Chris spends a few days alone with Eva and then she goes to see her mom and her sister. She spends some days with Vilde too and then she goes back home.

Things get a bit harder when Chris leaves. There isn’t a day when Eva doesn’t feel guilty for one thing or another. Some situations trigger memories and make her tear up without notice. She loves seeing pictures of him, but sometimes seeing their smiles on family pictures just reminds her that she will never get that happiness again. 

When she sees her reflection in the mirror, she doesn’t recognize herself. She looks older than she is. She is exhausted. The dark circles under her eyes prove that she’s sleep deprived. 

Sometimes, at night, she wishes Isak and William hadn’t finished Jonas’s weed. From time to time, she pours herself a glass of wine. However, she tries to be responsible. Being a dancer, she knows how to discipline herself. The rule she sets up is one glass a week. 

When she was younger, she used to get wild every weekend and ended up drunk at parties more than she can count. She got drunk with Chris, with Vilde, with Eskild, at Russ parties, at William’s parties, at her own parties, too. She also has memories from a few parties organized by Christoffer that were pretty wild too. When she got back with Jonas, she didn’t give partying up, either, there definitely were some pretty wild nights with Jonas, Isak and Even too.

Then, after Nissen, she decided to pursue her dream and become a dancer, so she had to slow down a bit. Few years after, she got pregnant and then they simply hadn’t time to get drunk. Eva knows that she could easily spiral down and drown her sorrows in alcohol, so she tries to drink consciously. 

***

Days pass slowly when you’re at home with your toddler, missing your husband. Eva tries to find ways to spend her time, but it is difficult. She goes to her doctor two times a week. She gives her medication to help her relax and sleep. Eva wants to go back to work but she doesn’t feel capable of handling everything like she did before. She wants to spend time with Alma. She found someone to take over her dance classes for six months and she’ll see when the time comes what she will be doing. 

She ends up reading a lot of Jonas’s books. She also starts going on long walks with Alma on days she doesn’t have visitors.

Most of the times, she feels numb, tired and feels like her whole life is nothing more than an empty chaos. She takes care of Alma the best she can. She really tries to find a way for Alma to have the most normal life ever.

However, spending more than one month always with Alma is draining. She loves her daughter to death, but she feels the need to interact with adults without her daughter. So, when Thea calls one morning like she does every week, she asks if it would be possible for her to take care of Alma for an afternoon. Thea is ecstatic to spend time with her niece and Eva asks Noora to go to the spa with her for a girly afternoon.

“Thank you for coming with me, Noora. I needed to have a real conversation with an adult, without being interrupted every two minutes by Alma.” Eva says when they enter the first swimming pool. 

“No worries” Noora says. “ That was a great idea. The last time I spent a day at the spa was a long time ago. ” 

(It was with William, in Italy. They had spent a few days visiting the country. Roma, Venice, Florence and the countryside. It was one of her best memories with her boyfriend.)

“So, what’s new? I know that we see each other quite a lot but still, I feel like we always talk about me or Alma. How are you? ” Eva asks. She decided that this afternoon will be just for her. She tries to put the guilt to the back of mind, to be able to enjoy a nice day like this one.

Noora doesn’t know how to answer that question. Shyly, she says, “I’m fine”.  She knows it would be a great opportunity to break the news to Eva but she doesn’t know how to tell her. How do you tell one of your dearest friends that when she lost almost everything, you found out that you were expecting? The timing is too off for Noora.

William and she had the confirmation of the pregnancy only three weeks after Jonas’ accident. They had decided to wait the usual three months mark to tell everyone. That mark is almost there now, and Noora does not know if telling Eva is a good idea. Everything changed. They had thought of inviting everyone to dinner and tell them like that. Now that Jonas isn’t here anymore, she doesn’t know if making a big deal out of it is a great idea. Eva is in a very difficult situation and she doesn’t want to rub in her new happiness in front of her. 

William says that they should tell her because they can’t hide something this huge from her for a long time. Noora wants to wait a bit more. William agreed because Eva is Noora’s friend, but he told her that she won’t suddenly get better in a matter of weeks. 

For now, though, they didn’t tell anyone and it is staying that way. 

“Everything is fine” she repeats, giving Eva a tiny smile. 

“Great! How is William?” Eva replies. 

“Fine. He works a lot, as always.”      

“When will he finally graduate?” she laughs

“He is employed by the university for three more years because he is teaching.” Noora says.

“Three years? Wow.”

Noora nods. They decide to go to the sauna next. 

“I just want to say… I’m so grateful for everything you and William do for me and Alma” Eva tells Noora with a smile. 

“Don’t mention it” Noora says. “It is totally normal.”

“No, but really, you’ve helped a lot. It was a relief to know that William handled all the paperwork.”

“He ain’t a lawyer for nothing.” Noora smiles. “It was kind of natural for him, I think.”

“Yeah, I know.” Eva says. 

“I read your post about renovating your house on your blog the other day, by the way” she continues. 

“I’m not ready yet, but when I will be, would you mind helping me redecorating the house?”

“Of course! It seems a great idea.” Noora answers. 

“I’m sure Yousef and William would help you too.”

“Have you seen Sana lately? She has been working so much we couldn’t have dinner together the last two weeks”  

Noora looks down. 

“No, it’s been a while. William met up with Yousef, Elias and Even the other night, though.”

“And?” 

“And William says that he’s not in a great mood” Noora confesses. “And from what Sana told me…I think they are having some issues” 

“Sana mentioned it some time ago” Eva replies.

“Oh, okay. Well, according to William, it didn’t get better.” 

“Did Yousef talk to Will?” 

“Not really, no. Elias did, though. William dropped him off and Elias told him that he didn’t know what to do anymore” She sighs. “Elias is between the two, he doesn’t want to take side and yeah…” 

“Jonas’s accident created a real tsunami between the two.” Eva says. Noora nods. 

“They will work things through. Yousef told me once that they’re soulmates.” Noora laughs. When she realizes what she just said, she looks at Eva guiltily. Eva gives her a sympathetic smile. 

“Yeah, it’s a rough time for everyone… I don’t see Yousef and Sana breaking up.” Eva says. 

“Did William say something about Even?” she asks, curiously. 

“Even is great. He told William he called you…That’s about it” 

“Oh, yeah. He called me but we didn’t really talk, you know? I didn’t feel like asking questions about his personal life” Eva admits.

“Yeah, of course. All William knows is that he’s still dating that actress. Astrid. The boys have never seen her. Apparently, it’s not really serious... Well, no. I mean according to Elias and the whole squad, he doesn’t want to really build something with her, but they’re still dating.”

“I didn’t know William was the gossip hoe of the group” Eva chuckles, making Noora laugh. 

“He’s just the one that is on speaking terms with everyone,” Noora says. 

“He speaks with both Isak and Even so he’s invited to almost every get-together” she laughs. 

“Now that he’s in uni with Elias, he’s on top with every gossip possible” she explains.

“Oh yeah I forgot Elias decided to go back to law school,” Eva says. 

“Yeah, yeah. They obviously don’t have class together, but they see each other quite often. Elias calls William when he can’t understand something.”

“Yeah, I can imagine that Elias is glad to have a friend getting a Ph.D. in law” Eva giggles.

Noora laughs with her. “Exactly. Does Isak still call you often?”

“Yeah. He doesn’t mention Jonas, though. I don’t even think he came back to Oslo. He stayed in Drammen. Mahdi told me he tries to see him as often as possible, but it’s always Mahdi going to Drammen. He has a few friends in Drammen too, so he’s not alone but, yeah. It’s difficult to see him like that, you know?  I feel helpless.” Eva says, with a thick voice.

“Yeah. I get it.” Noora says, sitting closer to her. 

“If he would just take his phone to call Even” Noora sighs.

“I told him that, but he doesn’t want to.” Eva says. 

“He thinks that Even would have texted him after Jonas’s accident if he wanted to get in touch. Knowing that Even moved on that soon after their breakup was hard to swallow” 

“I get that. When Mari told me that William had a girlfriend in London, I was devastated. You know that technically you can’t say anything because they’re not cheating but still.” 

“Yeah, but William didn’t have one, Even clearly does. It’s been two years.” Eva points out.

“Still, I think that doesn’t really change anything? If Isak calls Even tomorrow, I think Even would take less time to be by his side than William did to come back” Noora says.

“Yeah, I agree with you, I think they are both huge idiots. At the same time, Even is with Astrid, so, I don’t know. ” Eva replies. 

“Back in the days, you could have called William too” she points out.

“Yeah, I should have.” the blonde girl answers. “I was too scared” 

“If someday you see Isak, you should tell him that” Eva suggests, winking.

They laugh together and then they have to go to their massages. It’s really relaxing for Eva. She spends one hour thinking about nothing and just enjoying the whole body massage Noora offered her. 

 

After that, they eat together at the spa restaurant. It is quite classy, but they decide that they deserve to treat themselves. Noora makes her laugh with some gossip from her work. She is a part-time journalist in an online newspaper. Noora opened a blog when she started university and could technically work full time on it, but she likes going to her office two mornings a week. She befriended a few journalists there, and even worked with Jonas a few months before he decided to take his paternity leave. She also has a few blogger friends but she prefers to stay outside of this world. 

It can seem weird to people outside of their circle that they do not have a lot of other friends but they feel like their circle is so wide, with so many different people that they don’t feel the need to create deep friendships outside of their circle. They have acquaintances and people they consider friends, but it’s nothing compared to their group.

“Is everything settled at the office about Jonas?” Eva asks sometimes later.

“Yeah. He wasn’t active on the website anymore so there was nothing really to do. Some paperwork but William handled it, it was in what you signed a few weeks ago.” Noora replies. 

“Our colleagues have collected money for Alma, though. They’re waiting a bit before contacting you” 

“Okay” Eva nods. “That’s sweet.”

“Yeah. They were very moved when they learned” Noora adds.

“You’re planning on going abroad for your work soon?” Eva asks.

Taken by surprise, Noora shakes her head. “No, no. I’m staying in Oslo. ” 

Eva finishes what she has in her mouth, nodding. “Oh, okay. I thought you would” Normally, she would but she quit her place as a reporter when she found out she was pregnant. She didn’t want to spend one week or more a month away from home. 

“Hmm. No, I’m not a reporter anymore, in fact. With the blog and everything, it was too tiring. Spending one week at least a month away from home is too much organization for me. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I did once.” she explains herself.

Eva nods. 

“Okay, great. You have enough work with your blog anyway” she smiles. She can see in Noora’s eyes that something is wrong, that she is hiding something. She knows Noora by heart, and she knows when she’s hiding something. However, she also knows that Noora is not ready to say why she quit her job yet, and she respects it. She doesn’t feel like investigating further so she lets it go.

 

“Yeah, it is a lot of work. I’m glad that I can count on Vilde and William to help me” Noora says. 

“Oh, yeah, it’s been quite a while since I last spoke to Vilde. She’s so busy, now that she moved to Hamar” Eva replies. “I’m glad she can still handle your social media, though.” 

 

“Well, she likes the city, apparently. Teaching kids is rewarding she says, but I don’t speak to her as much as I did before. She doesn’t even know if she can keep helping me with the blog” 

 

When they finish eating, Eva goes to Thea’s house to pick up her daughter and goes home. She takes pills to go to sleep because going to her empty house after spending a great day with her friend outside is depressing. She knows that feeling too well and knows that it won’t let her sleep peacefully without a little help. 

*******

A few days later, she wakes up angry. That anger doesn’t leave her. 

She gets angry when Alma lets her chocolate milk fall off the table. She gets angry when Sana calls her to tell her that she will be late, she lashes out at Chris on Skype when she starts telling her that she has a lot of problems at her bar. Chris simply looks at her and says “Okay, Eva. I’m going to leave you be as angry as you want” before hanging up. She stays alone a few days because she doesn’t want to see anybody. She doesn’t want to see her friends. She’s too frustrated. She doesn’t want to small talk with them. She doesn’t see the point. They can’t understand what she’s going through even if she knows they try hard. They’re not the one raising a little girl on their own because the father just left them two months ago.

Isak calls her one night and she answers because it’s Isak. 

“Hello! How are my favorite girls? ” Isak says. 

“We’re good. Alma cries a lot and messes around a lot since last week but everything is fine!” she says angrily.

“She’s maybe acting out of sadness, don’t you think?” Isak tries quietly.

“Don’t you think I know more than anyone that she’s going through some things?” Eva replies sharply.

“Yeah, of course Eva, I just wanted to…” 

“You just wanted to tell me you know better than I do, like you always do. Put your own house in order first, Isak. You didn’t even say his name once, so I don’t think you’re in a position to talk!” She rants, sounding just like she did in first year at Nissen, Isak instantly recognises her tone.        

“What’s going on, Eva?” Isak asks. “You seem upset.”

“Damn right I’m upset, Isak. Jonas left one morning and never came back.” 

Isak exhales loudly. “I know”

“Why did you cancel your plans, Isak? He should have been with you after his course, but you cancelled,” she asks.

There is a moment of silence and Eva can hear Isak breathing. “I was-”

“Do you know that if you hadn’t cancelled, he would still be there?” Eva snaps. It’s just her anger speaking and Isak knows that so he takes his time to answer. 

“You’re unfair, Eva” he answers with the same tone. 

“I realize that what you’re going through is horrible, but I don’t think I deserve to be blamed like that. I blame myself enough on my own” and he hangs up abruptly. 

Eva bursts out into tears, from frustration mostly and goes laying down on her bed. She turns to Jonas’s side of the bed and sees a framed picture of them. She sighs, takes it and smashes it against the opposite wall. When she sees the broken pieces on the floor, she cries more than she ever has and falls asleep from frustration. 

When she wakes up, she hopes that her anger has diminished, but Alma runs through the living room for twenty minutes and she can’t keep her calm. 

 

Suddenly, someone rings her bell. She’s still in pyjamas, her hair is a mess but she decides to go see who’s there.

It’s William. 

“Hi Eva!” he says. “You okay?”

“Hello, William. Why are you here? ” she says, sighing.

“Isak called me yesterday night. Apparently, you’re not doing as well as you want us to believe. So, I’m here to pick you up. I want to bring you somewhere” he says.

William. Always straight to the point.

“I don’t want to go anywhere. And there’s Alma” she replies.

“You don’t have a choice. We’re dropping Alma off at Sana and Yousef’s house in half an hour so get ready. ” He says, with a firm voice.

“William, no. ” she says.

“Eva, yes.” he replies

“I’m not a child, William! I don’t want to leave the house today, so I won’t” She makes herself a little taller and crosses her arms. 

“I know you’re not a child, but you’re coming with me.”

“William! Just because you lost your little sister 20 years ago doesn’t mean you can dictate my life” she snaps.

William rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Nobody can understand what you’re going through, you’re suffering more than anyone else, I know.” He says. 

“I don’t want to dictate your life, though. You are angry at everyone, and that includes your own daughter. I know you well enough to be sure that you don’t really want to lash out at her. So you need to evacuate your anger and I can help with that” he says.

She sighs. 

“Okay. Can you help me dress Alma? ”

They drop Alma off. She’s very happy to spend the day with “Youyou” as she calls him, and Sana. Sana suggests that when they come back, they all eat together, with Noora. Eva accepts, and Sana gives her a tight hug before she leaves with William again. He doesn’t want to tell her where they are going, so they don’t talk.

When he shuts the car down, Eva realizes that they are in front of a training centre. 

“What are we doing there?” Eva asks.

“We’re going to box” he says, exiting the car. “You need a punching-ball, I got you one. Come on” Eva follows him. William opens the door with keys. “The centre is closed?” she asks.

“Yeah, it’s closed for now” he says. “It will open in a few weeks” 

“How did you manage to get the keys then?” 

“It belongs to a friend,” he answers. Technically not a lie.

When they arrive on the ring, William gives her boxing gloves and holds the punching ball in front of her. “Come on” he tells her. 

She hits it once and does it again when he encourages her to. Then she doesn’t stop. She hits with all her force, even making William stumble from time to time.  

She breathes heavily to calm herself down when William gives her a bottle of water. 

“So, was my idea that bad?” he asks her.

“Not really, no.” She replies. “It is great” 

“I know” he smiles. “Do you wanna continue?” he asks. She nods and puts her gloves back on. 

She punches the punching ball a few times and then William invites her to also put words to her feelings.

“It’s unfair!” she shouts. 

One punch. 

“You can’t die at 25”

 Another. 

“You can’t be a widow at 25” 

Another one. 

“It is not fair!” 

She feels some tears in her eyes. 

“I can’t live without him” she cries out. She hits the punching ball, again and again, quicker and quicker. Her movements become hectic and William drops the punching ball and catches her in his arms. She hits him once or twice before letting herself go and bursting into tears. 

 “Here, here, it’s okay” William whispers, holding her closer. 

“Trust me, it will help you”

“Why me William? Why did it have to be me?” she cries out. 

She knows that there is no answer to that question. 

It’s fate, it’s life, it’s God, it’s whatever you want it to be, there’s no rational explanation for that. Jonas had a lot of flaws, but he was one of the most caring people Eva met in her life. He loved her with all his heart and tried to be the best dad possible for Alma. He didn’t deserve to die. He deserved to have the chance to live his life. It’s totally unfair. She doesn’t want to be alone. She married Jonas at 21 because she wanted to spend her life with him. She genuinely thought she would be his forever. Life has decided otherwise and it’s just unfair because they deserved their happy ending.

She wipes her tears and tries to compose herself. William says 

“So are you ready to go back? Do you feel better?” 

“I don’t know.  Can we stay here for a bit?” She replies. 

William smiles. “Yes, of course.” 

Eva sits down on the little bench in the back of the room. William follows her and hands her a bottle of water and some granola bars. 

“Thank you” she says, quietly. William sits down next to her. 

“You’re welcome”.

“I have to admit, I needed that” she confesses. “I don’t know why I’m always angry like that.” 

“Because…. ” William starts. “Because you’re frustrated, sad,” he pauses. “You lost your husband Eva. I’m impressed you’ve stayed this long without breaking down.”  

“Did you secretly become a psychologist?” she nudges him.

“No, no,” he says. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I have lost my sister 20 years ago, you know? It is obviously not the same situation, and I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but grief is kind of universal, I think. When Isak called and explained what happened, I knew you needed to release tension.”

“Yeah, I guess that everyone goes through the same shit.” she says. 

“You know, I woke up one morning and I was angry? Just like that. I even broke the frame he had on his nightstand because I couldn’t see us anymore. I’m so upset. He had no right to disappear like that, you know?” She sobs. 

“He promised me to never give up on us, to love me forever and then one night he didn’t come home.” 

William puts an arm around her. 

“I… I really think Jonas meant everything he said to you.” he says.

“I know. I know” She says. “It seems even more unfair”

“I know” 

After a few minutes, Eva turns to face William and tells him, 

“Thank you, Will. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I realize that you’ve done a lot without even being asked, you know? You didn’t need to do that. We weren’t even that close, and you stepped up as soon as you heard about the accident.”

“I did it because I wanted to… I felt like I was the only one who knew how to handle someone’s death, kind of? But I also…. I had promised Jonas one day, when we were completely wasted and high that I would take care of you if something happened. He had promised to do the same with Noora” William admits. She can see his eyes turn glossy. 

“Really? He never told me.” she says.

“Hmm... yeah. We didn’t say that seriously at the time but when Noora called me, I thought about it and I couldn’t…. yeah” William’s voice breaks.

She waits a moment. “Did you get wasted often?” she asks him.

“Do you really wanna know?” he asks back, with a little smirk.

“Did he lie often about getting high or wasted?” 

William nods. “Well, I mean. Not like every week or on weekdays, but yeah, we had a few wild nights with Isak, Mahdi, and all the boys.”

“I never realized” she replies, wiping a few tears.

“Eva, he didn’t want you to. He knew it would scare and worry you. I think Isak will know more than I do, but I think he knew weed was one of the reasons you broke up with him and he didn’t want to risk it. He had calmed down a lot. It wasn’t as bad as in Nissen, don’t worry. We just smoked a bit and drank sometimes a bit more than we should have. It became even rarer when Alma was born.”

Eva nods. “I’m glad he had fun” she says, standing up. 

“They are waiting for us, come on.” She says, and then starts going back to William’s car.

“Some things never changed, William Magnusson and his cars” She says, nudging him. 

“Oi, Eva. I could leave you here.” he replies.

“I don’t know where we are, nobody would help me go back to mine, and you would feel guilty.”

“Trust me, you would find help” he winks.

 ** _***_**     

When she gets back to her house that night, she thinks that this little sport session helped her and that everything will get better after that, but it does not. She still is angry most of the time. She understands that Alma reacts to her emotions a lot and acts accordingly so she tries to always be calm around her. When she wakes up and finds this day to be more unbearable than the last, she calls her mother, or Théa and asks them to take Alma. As it is difficult to go to a training centre with a toddler, she also loves to run with her daughter in her stroller. It helps her clear her mind.

Vilde calls her a day and invites her to lunch in Oslo. They go to a restaurant that the girls love in the centre of the city. Eva wanted to leave Alma to someone, to catch up with Vilde better because they haven’t seen each other since Jonas’s funerals but she didn’t find anyone who was free so Alma comes along. Alma loves going to that restaurant because they have a little kid’s corner where she can freely play so everything should be okay.

Vilde and Eva order two home-made hamburgers with fries and Alma gets the child’s size portion.

“It’s so good” says Vilde. 

“I missed it so much, you have no idea! I would come back every week just to eat here if I could.” She takes another bite.     

Eva fakes outrage. 

“Thanks! Alma and I appreciate your honesty” 

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that. You would come with me every time, of course. Sana and Noora too. And Chris, when she gets her ass back here.” Vilde replies.

“That would be great, but you had to move to other side of the world, sadly.” Eva jokes.

Alma starts to cry impatiently and Vilde gives her French fries. 

“Here, my love. Eat”. She strokes her cheek, which instantly calms the little girl. “There’s no denying you’re your dad’s baby, Al. You love French fries as much as he did”. She takes a huge breath and bites her lips. 

Eva looks at her friends with a tiny smile. 

“You know, he used to bring her to McDonald's, and say that she had asked to go.” she tells Vilde. 

“I always responded that she didn’t even speak, but he said that he knew that she was asking for some Macdonald’s”. She looks down and distracts herself with a French fry. 

Vilde smiles shyly and takes Alma’s hand. “She really is a mix of you two. She has his eyes” she whispers, biting her inner cheek. Eva smiles at her daughter and nods.

They take a few minutes to compose themselves.

“Did Magnus get in touch with the boys?” Vilde asks Eva, who shakes her head.

“No. Not that I know of, at least.” Eva takes a sip of her ice tea. Vilde furrows her eyebrows. “It’s so weird” she says. “ I don’t get it. I hope that his dad got the letter we wrote” 

“Aja nada jug” Alma shouts. Eva laughs and wipes off the sauce she has on the corner of her mouth. She kisses her cheek.

“Maybe he doesn’t want to contact them, or he isn’t in Norway anymore and can’t get in touch, I don’t know. He disappeared 5 years ago, you know. I think he has his own life now.”

“Yeah, it’s just… a shame that he cut everyone off when we broke up. I hope he’s happy now” 

Eva smiles. “I’m sure he is, Vilde” 

Vilde and Magnus stayed together a bit more than three years and then Vilde called it off, a bit brusquely. Magnus being Magnus, he didn’t make a fuss, and gave Vilde the space she needed. He moved out their shared apartment pretty quickly, fooled everyone into thinking he was fine. Isak, Mahdi, Jonas thought everything was fine, that he was okay with her decision because that’s what he told them. Few weeks after, he went to see Vilde one last time, pretending that he forgot something, then he disappeared. He stopped picking up his phone, left his new apartment without leaving a note, and quit his job overnight. His parents told Vilde and the boys that they didn’t know where he was, but they were too calm to be believable. 

Vilde tries hard to tell herself she isn’t to blame, that she couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t make her as happy as he should have, but it’s not that simple because she knows that ultimately, she is the reason why Magnus didn’t want to stay friends with the whole group. She didn’t see that their breakup affected him more than he let everyone believe. Magnus had been there for some of the darkest times of her life and she didn’t do likewise and it felt worse than the breakup in itself. 

It has been five years and she has healed a bit. She still felt a bit sad when Jonas, Isak and Mahdi talked about Magnus because they missed him and expressed how unfair it was to cut ties with them too but overall, she was doing fine. Moving out a bit further from Oslo helped a lot. However, now that Jonas is gone, guilt caught up with her again. If only someone would know where Magnus is. Vilde can’t help thinking that Jonas should have seen his friend again. Realistically, she knows that it’s ultimately Magnus’s decision and that she didn’t ask him to disappear but her heart tells her otherwise. Life is so unfair. 

Eva clears her throat a bit. 

“So, Noora told me you didn’t know if you would be able to continue working for her blog. Teaching is taking all of your time, now?”

“Yeah, kind of. I decided to get involved with guidance for teenagers in need of help too. I’m in charge of talking groups about eating disorders, study problems and everything that comes with being a teen. It’s great, but that means that I can’t come to Oslo as much as I would like to. The timing works out well though.” Vilde smiles.

“How so?” Eva furrows her eyebrows. 

“Noora won’t need me as much, now that she will stay more at home” Vilde says. 

Eva nods. 

“It’s a great new adventure for Noora and William. I think they’ll be great parents together.” Vilde laughs, munching the last bite of her burger.

Oh. That’s what Noora is hiding. It feels like a punch in her stomach, but Eva tries to hide her surprise by a huge smile. Vilde isn’t even looking at her and therefore doesn’t notice her reaction. 

“Of course, they will” Eva says quickly.

They drop the topic quickly. Vilde talks a little bit more about her position at her school, they also talk about Alma’s upcoming Birthday. Vilde suggests having a Birthday party, but Eva isn’t sure it’s a great idea. 

Vilde tells Eva a lot about a man she matched with on Tinder. She explains how they chatted a bit before he asked her to go dinner with him. Vilde doesn’t know if it will end up in a relationship or not but she’s quite ecstatic to find out.

It’s great to see Vilde happy like that. Life hasn’t necessarily treated her kindly, from what the girls know. Eva loves to see her friend smile, to know that she has found a boy that could be a potential partner. 

But she can’t help but wonder why life is smiling at almost everyone but her. She’s so glad to know that Noora and William are building a family together, because they truly deserve it. However, it’s just doesn’t seem fair. Her life was turned upside down, was destroyed when her friends are blessed with good things.    

She doesn’t really process what Vilde just told her until she’s at home, alone in her bed, Jonas’s side of the bed colder than ever. She takes his pillow her arms, smelling what’s left of his scent. It smells like the perfume she gifted him for Christmas. She knows that she’s strong enough to continue living her life without him by her side. Jonas was a great part of her life, of her childhood but she’s ultimately her own person and doesn’t need him to breathe. However, in situations like this one, where she’s reminded that she lost her cornerstone forever, she doesn’t feel like she will ever be able to pick herself up.  She has to, because she is a mother, but she doesn’t know how she will be able to.

“Why me?” she sobs, letting herself go. Why Jonas, why Alma, why her, why them? What did they do wrong for their family to explode like this? Do they deserve this?                           Jonas lost his fucking life and it feels like everyone died with him. 

She wipes her tears, trying to breathe normally. She sits up a bit on the bed. 

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. 

She spots a few things that belong to Jonas and… She is almost angry at him. He promised to grow old by her side. He told her he would be there. When she told him that everyone had bet they would be last to tie the knot, he was the one who said “So, let’s get married!” and they did. He married her. He told her “We can do this” when she was crying in their bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test. He held her close to his chest when she was auditioning for the first time and scared shitless. He was there when her mom was away for a long time and she was scared alone in the house. Jonas was there for every memory she has in Oslo. He had no right to disappear like he did. No right. 

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale. She feels like she’s suffocating. 

She misses him too much. She misses him, his smile, his eyes, the way he teased her, the way he kissed her. The way he prepared coffee, the way he made Alma laugh, his smirk when he was right, his face when he was sleeping, his voice and the way he said her name, his smile when he was with Isak, his hair, the way he made love to her, the way he looked at her, the sound of his voice when he said “I love you”. She misses seeing him with their daughter, she misses his presence in the house. She just misses him like crazy. 

It’s so different from when they broke up at 16, so different. They still saw each other. They still knew what the other was up to. Breaking up with Jonas was not at all easy and was one of the most heart-breaking decision Eva has ever taken but they had gotten back together for a reason. Thanks god they did. At least she was able to live a few years of happiness with him. As much as she is hurting right now, she would not change anything in her life because she feels blessed to have been loved like she was by the love of her life. 

Jonas has been her rock for a decade. Even though Eva and her mom have got a real mom-daughter bond, Eva suffered a lot from her parents’ divorce because she was left alone at home a lot more than she wished. She understands - now better than before - her mother decision to prioritize money over being at home. It helped a lot to have financial stability and she loved seeing her mother finally blossom but she was just a teenager and needed emotional stability too. 

She needed to have a shoulder she could lean on. Jonas had appeared in her life just at that time and quickly became that for her. Then everything got complicated and she decided she had to be alone a bit more, learned how to take care of herself, find herself too and broke up with him. In the year and a half they have spent apart, she had found who she was and what she wanted in life. She had learned a lot, had found comfort with the girls. She had partied a lot, made friends outside of the tight group of Nissen, and had her fair share of encounters with boys. Nameless faces from bars, few students of her classes, few dancers she met at the dance school she attended and… Chris. Mostly Chris. They had even almost dated, but life had other plans. They were this close to admit that they could try to “be more” and then Chris met Emma and Eva… saw Jonas again. 

They hesitated a lot. They had broken up for a reason, and at the time, they thought they were done for good. So they started hooking up, more and more. Eva realized she didn’t need him like she had before, Jonas realized that the feelings he had for her were still here and they gave it a shot, just because they could. No pressure, no promise, just them having the time of their lives together, and it worked. They knew they were in for the long haul. She let Jonas be her rock again and now she feels alone. She has amazing and supportive friends who are there for her and her mom tries her best. She knows she does. She still is traveling for work, has her own life - Eva knows she has a partner - and doesn’t really make Eva a priority in her everyday life. It’s okay, but it was more okay when she had Jonas to curl up to. They were a real family. A classic, nuclear family. Two parents, in love with each other, and a baby. And in one second, everything exploded. Just like that. The stability they had reached is gone. Now Eva has a new life to build. 

That night, she cries herself to sleep. 

***

When she wakes up, Eva is a bit disorientated. It takes a few seconds for her mind to remember but then she hears Alma crying and everything comes back to her mind. Taking care of a soon-to-be two year old little girl completely alone is more difficult than she thought. She realizes fully that Jonas and she had really shared everything evenly. Now, alone with her daughter, she needs to find another dynamic. She’s glad that she was able to take some months off work to really get back on her feet. She doesn’t feel ready to dance again.

 

Dancing was not something she shared with him, because Jonas couldn’t dance at all but he loved seeing her dancing. He never missed a chance to drop by her studio and sit in a corner, just admiring her moving to the beat of the song she had chosen. Going back to the studio - facing everyone there too - knowing that she won’t get another surprise visit from him is too much for the time being. Her school dance is taken care of, and she still can earn money from it so she is in no rush to go back to work. William takes care of all the paperwork for her so everything is fine, which lets her a lot of time to take care of herself.

Every morning is difficult because reality hits you hard but as time flies, every morning gets easier somehow. 

Eva is a fighter. She doesn’t let herself drown in her sorrow, doesn’t give up when it gets hard.  

 

Eva understands why Noora and William are hiding the pregnancy from her. She really, really, does but that doesn’t mean she isn’t hurt.  Knowing her friends are keeping something like that from her is difficult to swallow. 

One day, sitting on the sofa with Alma asleep on her lap, she decides that it is time to … move on. 

Moving on is not the exact term, because you don’t “move on”. Life just goes on. 

It starts with cooking. She does her grocery shopping, with Alma in her stroller and they prepare Chocolate chips cookies - Jonas’s favourite -, pizzas, pastries, potatoes, roasted chicken or whatever they want to eat that day. It takes a few hours of the day, and feels productive.

Then she starts taking care of his things. She buys huge boxes where she puts everything that belongs to him and stores them in the garage. She does it all alone - Alma always close to her - because she needs to be alone. She needs to face the cruel and saddening reality of the new chapter of her life even if it seems unfair and forced. She still accepts calls or Skype dates. She goes to see Sana too once in a while because she can guess from her tone on the phone that she needs Eva. She doesn’t shut her friends out of her life but she needs a few weeks to readjust. She needs to be able to function without their help, without their support. She needs to know that she will be okay. Not today, not tomorrow, not even in a year, but someday. She knows that it won’t ever be the same. The emptiness Jonas has left will never be filled in. It’s the scariest thing ever, to know that it’s permanent. She will miss that man for the rest of her life, whatever life throws at her. There is nothing that anyone can do to make it otherwise. 

She tries to get back in shape, too. She had just gotten her body back from Alma pregnancy and she has to do it all over again. She puts all of her heart into sports but doesn’t really dance. _No, Zumba is not a dance_. 

Isak, Noora and Sana notice her change of behaviour but she reassures them: she is relatively fine, she just needs… to feel alive. 

At the training centre, some guy tries a few times to chat her up. He’s kind, makes her laugh some times and is good-looking. The first time he suggests getting coffee together, she declines, pretending that she has to pick her daughter up. Technically not a lie but still. She hopes that he will get the tip and give up. A few weeks later, he tries again, telling her that he just wants to grab coffee at the coffee machine in the centre. She says yes but makes sure to put her ring back on her finger when she’s changing. She is just not ready. She’s not even sure she will ever be ready. She doesn’t see him again. She is kind of relieved.

She knows that Jonas wouldn’t even blame her if she hooked up with someone so it’s not really his ghost that is refraining her from meeting new people. Jonas was very jealous but she knows he would get that after a few months she would take the opportunity. However, Jonas is still everywhere. He’s still there. She can’t phantom the thought of someone else touching her like this. Sometimes she thinks that she will wake up one day feeling okay about it and that she will just find some random man to hook up with. Other times, she thinks that she will have to have feelings for someone to be okay with having sex again. She doesn’t know exactly but for now, it’s a total no. Her priority is and should be only herself and her daughter. 

There are days that are worse than others. Days where she finds herself begging some external forces - may it be God or Aliens - to bring Jonas back. She cries, screams into her pillow that she would do anything to have him back. She knows it’s totally unreasonable, but she’s just desperate to get Jonas back. 

Alma is her ray of sunshine. She is still the little joyful girl that she was before everything happened but she’s quieter too. She also adjusted herself to that new life. 

Alma asks for her dad, sometimes. She doesn’t speak well so she doesn’t really ask with words but she says “Papa?” sometimes and it breaks Eva’s heart all over again. She decides to print and frame the best pictures of them and hangs them just besides Alma’s bed. That way, Alma can see her dad and tell him goodnight every night.

It’s when she sees her face when she’s kissing her dad’s picture that Eva finally understands why Jonas and her married and had a baby that young. So many people said that they were too young. “You have time” they said, but it was a lie. They didn’t have time.

Alma turns two. The day is bittersweet because she wants the little girl to have a great day; she actually starts to understand what is happening around her so she seems to grasp the notion of birthday or at least, the notion of a party. 

Eva hangs balloon everywhere, prepares a birthday cake and dresses her daughter in a cute pink dress. 

She invited all her friends, her mom, Thea and her parents. She called her dad but he couldn’t be there. She told them to be there around 3pm so she is busy in the morning, setting everything up.

Noora, William, Yousef, Sana and Isak arrive a bit earlier, to help her if needed. She leaves Alma with them to go change clothes. 

Alone, in the quietness of her room, seeing her reflection in the mirror, that’s when it hits her. Suddenly she feels sad. Sadder than she has felt in weeks. She sits on the bed and lets the tears fall down her cheeks.  

Isak finds her. He opens the door quietly and comes sit next to her. 

“I would do anything for him to be there with us.” she whispers, letting Isak take her in his arms. Isak nods. 

“Me too, Eva. Me too.” he says.  

“I might move back to Oslo, with Mahdi” he adds, after a while. 

“Oh” she looks at him. “If you think that it is a great idea, then that’s great.” 

“Well, I just… there’s no point in staying in Drammen, I guess” 

“Isak….” She lets out. “ Isak, you know —”

“Eva,” he interrupts her, “It’s been 2 years. I think I deserve to move on, too. I know I could call him and just… talk to him. I know. I know that maybe we made a mistake, maybe I should have fought for him. Maybe I should have done a thousand things differently. But… Even moved on, very quickly. I asked him for a bit of space, he broke up with me, and one week later, I was replaced in his bed. One week. I have to move on, and that means leaving Drammen. I’m lucky to have Mahdi.” he winks. 

If Jonas had been there, he would have found the words to tell Isak that he should still talk to Even, that “moving on” is a tricky concept. He would have told him that everyone thought he was over Eva when he wasn’t. He would tell him that he didn’t fight for Eva when she broke up with him because he thought he had no right to. Jonas is not there, though, and Eva doesn’t find the right words to tell Isak that communication is key. No matter what, Isak is right and he deserves to be happy. Jonas and Eva have always thought it was a shame Isak and Even broke up without having a real conversation, but maybe it was just the way it went for them and talking would not have changed anything. 

“Everyone is lucky to have Mahdi in their life.” she jokes. 

“True.” he replies.

 

It’s not the happiest birthday party ever, Jonas is on everyone’s mind. Everyone tries to be as happy as they can, even with teary eyes, for Alma’s sake. The little girl gets a lot of presents and loves all the attention she gets from all her aunts, uncles, and her grandparents. 

Eva texts Noora few days later, telling her she is ready to take the next step and redecorate the house. Noora comes back a few days later, with a huge folder filled with ideas, examples and samples. 

“So, I thought we could do some home staging first. That way, you’ll spare some money.” Noora declares, sitting on the sofa next to Eva.

“Home staging?” Eva asks, a bit confused.

“Yeah. We’ll work with your furniture to minimize what we have to buy” Noora says. She’s wearing a black hoodie, probably William’s. Of course, it suits her greatly, but it still makes Eva laugh internally. 

“Hmm. Yeah, okay. You know, as I said, I just want to change a few things, but I still want to recognize our house. If I wanted a fresh start, I would have sold it.” 

Noora smirks and pats her on the back. “Great!” 

“Where did you buy your hoodie?” Eva asks, biting her inner cheek not to laugh. 

“It’s Will’s.” Noora replies, not meeting Eva’s eyes.

“I figured” Eva says.

 

They change the positions of all of Eva and Jonas’s furniture, but it doesn’t seem enough for Eva. Noora decides to call William, Yousef and Mahdi for help. Together they paint the bedroom, living room and kitchen walls. It takes a bit more time than expected but it’s worth it. When it’s done, it still Jonas’s and Eva’s house but Jonas’s presence isn’t suffocating. It’s just a little touch, here and there and a lot of memories.

Eva is still a bit hurt by Noora’s and William’s lie, but she’s really entertained by the awkward situation it puts Noora in. Painting and “home staging” in a hoodie doesn’t seem easy, because of the temperature probably. 

“Aren’t you a bit hot, Noora? You could take your hoodie off, you know” she asks her, biting her lip. 

“I’m okay ” Noora smiles.     

A bit later, she sees William whispering to Noora. It looks like he says “We should tell her Noo.” and Eva agrees.

***

Few weeks after, William drops by unexpectedly to give her paperwork to sign. 

“I’ll make you coffee, Will. Come with me.” she says. He follows her to the kitchen.

“Where is your little one?” he asks.

“It’s her grandmother’s Birthday so they asked if they could take her for the weekend. I’ll pick her up Sunday morning for the brunch at Sana’s” Eva replies, pouring coffee in two mugs. 

“Thanks” he says. He explains a bit every paperwork he has given her, tells her where she has to sign and why. It’s not at all related to his studies, she should probably call an accountant or a banker and not let William taking care of everything but he does a great job so she lets him do his thing.

Eva is bored soon by this type of things. Jonas used to handle everything by himself. 

After another cup of coffee and a muffin, William clears his throat.

“Did you… Did you start dancing again?” He plays with his lips. She shakes her head. “Do you wanna start again, or…?” he asks her hesitantly. She furrows her eyebrows a bit and parts her lips to answer but she doesn’t know what to say. 

“Look, Eva, I’ll be honest.” William starts. “The training centre we went a few weeks back? It’s Christoffer’s.” 

He stops to see her reaction. She just nods. 

“Chris came back to Oslo definitely and opened up that old training centre. It’s opening tomorrow and he’s a bit scared than no one will come. I know he wants to have dancers with him, so I just… If you wanna come, you can” William takes a huge sip of his coffee. “No pressure, Eva, okay? I just thought you might … but …”  

She hasn’t seen Chris since Sana’s Eid party. That night, they had come together and left separately. After that, Chris went back to the Army for a while and then he left for New-York with Emma.

She has a lot of sweet memories with him. He was always cheerful and knew how to make her laugh. Their relationship was mostly based on lust but they had been friends too. She never tried to contact him again because she was with Jonas and she chose him. It seemed too complicated at the time, with her and Jonas trying to make their relationship work again and Chris and Emma moving to New-York to pursue a model career. 

She ponders for a little while. Time passed, she could be kind and support an old friend in his new adventure. The problem is, she doesn’t know if she wants to. 

Sadness overcame anger a few days ago. She hasn’t the energy to feel anything these days. She is just trying, day by day, to get up in the morning and live. Since Jonas’s death, she had felt strong emotions. These days, she doesn’t. Her sadness isn’t intense; she smiles, laughs with her daughter, still loves to see a good comedy on TV. It’s just there, in the background. Everything is tainted by the realization that the loss she has to face is more than she thought. It’s huge; it impacts every single aspect of her life. It’s realizing that they never went to Paris together like planned, for example.

It started with a box she received, that contained a skateboard Jonas had pre-ordered online just before the accident. Apparently, it was the best and most beautiful skateboard you could have - a limited edition. Jonas had confessed that it was more a gadget than a real necessity, but that his 16 years self would shit himself if he knew that one day he would be able to own one. Eva had totally forgotten about his pre-order and when she opened the box, air left her lungs. It was a painful reminder that Jonas’s life stopped abruptly and that he, himself, didn’t want to die. He had plans, he talked about the future. 

She called Isak that day, and he helped her hanging up his skateboard in Alma’s room. 

She started noticing depression’s symptoms after that. There’s a magnitude of her loss that she hadn’t noticed before and it makes her spiral down.

So she declines William’s invitation. It seems too big, too soon, too much for her now. 

“Tell him I said hi? And good luck… I’m just… not in the mood these days, okay? It’s nothing against him, you —” she tries to justify herself, her lips trembling a bit.

“Hey, don’t worry, I know. I just figured I should ask. Forget it, okay?” William tells her, touching her arm to reassure her. She nods. William stays with her for a while and asks her if it is okay if Noora meets him up there. She says yes, of course.

When Noora arrives, she can’t help but look at her belly. She did everything she could to hide it but Eva can see that it starts becoming well-rounded. She probably is 5 months pregnant. She thinks that maybe they will mention it to her, but no. Noora says no to a coffee, telling her friends she is more in the mood for a hot chocolate. 

“Sure, Noora.” she replies, with a smirk. 

It’s entertaining to see her friends trying to be sly and cover up Noora’s pregnancy but she is a bit tired of this game, so when Noora tells William they should go, Eva puts her hand on her forearm and looks at her. Noora furrows her eyebrows and bites her lips. 

“I know you’re pregnant, Noo” she whispers, trying to soften her voice. She doesn’t want her to feel too guilty. “No need to hide it from me.”   

William sits back on his chair. “Eva, we didn’t …” Eva looks at him softly. 

“I get it” she says. 

“I do... it’s just… Vilde told me. I think she thought you had told me and she mentioned it. I felt like it was time to let you know that you don’t have to cover it up.” 

“I... told her not to tell you” Noora replies. 

“I wanted to tell you myself but I didn’t know how…I’m sorry Eva.” She sniffles. 

Eva goes to her side and puts an arm around her waist, leaning a bit towards her. 

“It’s okay… I’m not sure Vilde realized she told me” she chuckles. 

“Congratulations, by the way!” she exclaims, reaching to William too. “You must be ecstatic!” she adds. 

“And maybe a bit scared, no?” she jokes.

Noora’s eyes are teary, her cheeks a bit red when she bites her lips, looking at William. “Yeah, we’re… both”. Her voice is a bit raspy. She seeks comfort from her boyfriend, who takes her in his arms. She tells Eva how they found out weeks after the accident, and how they dealt with that. She confesses they have been trying to get pregnant for a while and that they were so happy to know it worked but telling people when they were grieving seemed a bit too much so they postponed the inevitable. She says that they wanted to tell her but it never felt right. 

Eva reassures her friends, telling them she’s very happy for them. Her voice is too strained to be reassuring but it does the trick and William and Noora leave. She realizes after a while that she didn’t even ask them if they know the sex of the baby or even how far she is in her pregnancy. 

Alone, she changes to more comfortable clothes and goes to the garage to get the boxes where their pictures are stocked. She finds the USB keys from their marriage to Alma’s first birthday and plugs them to her TV. She opens a bottle of wine and looks at all the pictures, remembering all the memories that go with them. It hurts to see them happy like that, innocent and carefree. She feels the tears in her eyes and allows herself to take a nap.

When she wakes up, she’s dizzy. She slept for too long. She goes to the kitchen to find something quick to eat. She feels too nauseous to eat something consistent so she decides to just drink a chocolate milkshake and adds an ice-cream pot. She sits back on the sofa, curled up under a blanket. There’s a re-run of Fresh Prince of Bel-air on TV; she bites her lips hard, to the point of tasting blood. 

She smiles and laughs even though she knows those episodes by heart. It reminds her of the “Netflix and Chill” dates she had with Jonas early on, when they were a bit shy around each other and testing the limits together. It wasn’t simple to go from “Hey, you’re my best friend’s boyfriend” to “hey, I actually want to date you” and their shared love for that series helped them greatly to start their relationship. 

When the episodes stop, she isn’t tired enough to go to bed so she plugs another USB key to her TV. It's pictures from her eighteenth birthday. She sees everyone, including people she hasn’t seen since Nissen. Jonas is there, but not in many pictures, as they hadn’t rekindled the spark yet. She sees Eskild, Linn, the girls, Even and Isak being adorable, too. There is Elias, Yousef, and their friends, everyone she knew back then. It was a great party, full of surprises.

She smiles when she spots William’s famous leather jacket. Nobody recorded Noora’s face when she saw him, after long months of utter silence, but Eva remembers. It’s fascinating to watch those pictures, no one would have guessed what was waiting for them. Eighteen year old them were totally oblivious.  

There are a lot of videos too. They were completely wasted.

A lot of videos are her and Chris. Chris making her smile, Chris making her laugh, Chris sipping beer from her bottle. There is no denying they were all over each other. She has a real sweet memory of that party, everyone had so much fun. There had been a bit of drama too, with the surprise entrance of William and Chris, and Sana’s confession to Yousef that his feelings were reciprocated (she hadn’t really said those words, but it was implied.). A real, classic high school party.  

She burst out laughing when she sees a picture of Vilde and Magnus. She remembers when Chris and she had found them in a very compromising position. They had laughed it off but she couldn’t forget Vilde’s horrified face if she tried. She also remembers Eskild trying to chat Elias up with no success. 

There’s a video showing William and Noora getting into his car and she smiles. She had forgotten about the four days they went ghost. She remembers Noora blushing when she came back to school because Chris was apparently not that off when she said they were fucking for four days straight.  

Her high school years were the best, thanks to all of her friends. Thanks to Christina, Noora, Sana, Vilde, William, Eskild, Isak, Jonas, Even, Mahdi, Magnus…  

The last pictures appear on her TV and put a huge smile on her lips. 

Thanks to Christoffer too. 

She sighs, reaches to the table and takes her phone.

 **Eva:** Hey, Will, can you pick me up tomorrow?

 **William:** See you at 11am :)

That smiley seems too smug. 

 **Eva:** I won’t dance, though. 

 **William:** You don’t need to  

 **William:** He will be happy to see you


	2. life goes on

**_My wish for you_ **

**_Is that this life becomes all that you want it to_ **

**_Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small_ **

**_You never need to carry more than you can hold_ **

**_And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to_ **

**_I hope you know somebody loves you_ **

**_And wants the same things too_ **

**_Yeah, this is my wish_ **

 

_Eva,_

_I know I could just text you but texting seems a bit too formal. I don’t know. And I know Ingrid takes your phone sometimes, so, I’ll probably just ask Isak to give you this during class._

_We haven’t talked much about what happened between us at the party last week-end. I think we should. I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long. I know you said that it was too complicated and I agree but at the same time, we both know that it meant something, right?_

_Look, writing a letter feels very weird, haha. I don’t know what to say, I would never have guessed that it was more complicated to write to a girl than to write a paper for school! Isak said I should have just gone to your house. I didn’t want to show up unexpectedly like that without checking first if it was okay. Would it be okay? I hope so._

_I wanna be sincere with you, I want to kiss you again._

_Don’t feel bad for Ingrid, I would have broken up with her anyway, okay?_

_Just tell me when I can come over?_

_Miss you_

_Jonas_

 

***

 

When they arrive to Chris’s training centre, Eva feels nervous. She doesn’t know why; Chris was first and foremost his friend and she’s happy to see him again.  There’s something nerve-wracking about seeing an old friend like this; you don’t know how it will go, you’re impatient to see them again but at the same time you don’t know whether your life now will connect like they used to. 

Chris is also not only a friend but an ex. For a little while, Chris was everything to her; her lover, her friend and also her dance partner. And now, just a few years after, he’s nothing. From one day to the next, he disappeared from her life and now that he is back for good, he will probably have to make himself another spot in their group of friends, and therefore in her life. 

 He’s talking to a few people when she enters the room. He hasn’t changed, always the same bright contagious smile. He seems a bit taller, is definitely broader but she notices that he has aged a bit only when she comes closer. When he spots them, forewarned by William’s throat clearing, he looks at them with a warm smile and a twinkle in his eyes. He excuses himself and walks towards them quickly. 

“Eva!” he says, taking her in his arms. “I’m so glad you came.” he takes a step back but doesn’t let go of her arm. “I’m sorry about Jonas” he says. She nods and thanks him quietly. She turns her eyes because she doesn’t want to talk about Jonas right now. Not with Chris. He smiles at her and turns his attention to William. “Good to see you, bro.”

There is a buffet with a lot of different food and drinks in the middle of the huge main room, and a playlist going on. There aren't many people, less than Chris expected according to William, but a lot of his friends made the trip. Eva has never been friends with The Penetrators but she still recognizes a few faces.      

 Chris organized a few demonstrations. He hired a boxing coach, dancers and a yoga teacher. William and Eva watch them show what they’re going to teach at the ‘CS centre’, eating a few petit-fours. 

“It is a great project” Eva tells William, who nods.

“Yeah. He earned quite a lot of money with modelling, and his family invested money too so that he could really do something great.” he explains.

“I don’t wanna know how much this cost” she jokes. ”Well, obviously you know that but, like my tiny dance school in an old building is still not paid off, I can’t imagine a whole building like this one”

“He earned _a lot of money_ just because he’s good-looking” William replies with a smirk.

 When they go to Chris to tell him they are going to head home (Noora is waiting for her boyfriend and Eva has things to do), Chris asks them to follow him to his desk. There, he takes a key from a box and hands it to a very startled Eva. Chris smiles at her. 

“I… William said that you had fun when he took you there” he starts. “So I had a copy made of the keys.”

“What? Chris, no” she says. “I… I will probably come back to see how you are getting on but I can’t accept that”

“Yes, you can. I want you to be able to come and go whenever you want. Bring your daughter when it’s closed, or whatever. If you need to blow off some steam, you can come here, not matter what time or day it is”  

“Thank you, Chris” she replies, with a shy smile.

“It’s the least I can do” he kisses her cheek before joining another group who’s calling him.

 She leaves his centre with his key still in her hand.

 It doesn’t take long before she’s using it. Two weeks after the opening day, she is at home, with Alma and she’s extremely bored.  The little girl is running around and doesn’t want to stop. Outside, the weather is too chill for them to take a walk or go to the park. Not leaving enough time to really think about what she’s doing, she grabs the key that Chris gave her, takes Alma in her arms and drives them to the centre. It’s a Sunday, the centre is not open. She knows that Chris could be here; he has a lot of things to do there and does not count his working hours.    

On her way, she realizes that she took Alma with her. Alma. Jonas’s daughter. 

Jonas and Chris have never been friends. Jonas didn’t like Chris - or any Penetrators for that matter. He had only warmed up to William after a few nights out with him. Magnus had insisted that he at least tried to get to know William before saying they couldn’t be friends. Jonas was so judgmental sometimes. He would for sure make a comment if he was here. ‘ _You’re bringing my child to his house?’_ she can almost hear him. She pictures the face he would make if he was here. However, he isn’t there. If it had been a planned visit and not a spur of the moment kind of thing, she would have asked someone to watch her for a few hours, but well. She’s a single mother, now, trying to deal with everything by herself. ‘ _If you don’t want Alma to meet Chris, then you had to be there’_ she thinks. She means it in a teasing way, of course, but it’s still bittersweet. She glances at Alma on her seat, who’s smiling at her mom and shouts something incomprehensible and Eva decides to put her thoughts about Jonas away.

 When she parks outside the building, she notices that William has answered her previous text, asking him to tell Chris about her impromptu visit. 

 

 **William:** copy-paste from Chris: No problem, I’m spending the day with my parents so I won’t be there though :(

 **William:** I forwarded you his contact info, so you don’t need me to communicate :)

 She doesn’t know what makes her smile more: the fact that Chris thought she was going there to see him or William’s smug use of smileys. 

 She’s relieved not to have to face Chris today. She spends a good part of her day chasing Alma in the dance room. She even plugs her iPod into his stereo and kind of dance with her daughter. Alma just turned two, but Eva can see that she will be a good dancer. She has always seen her mother dance and it seems like a natural thing for her, even though she doesn’t really have coordinated movements just yet. When the little girl starts yawning, Eva decides that it is time for them to go home, it’s almost dinner time anyway and if Eva has learned something, it’s that an hungry Vasquez is not fun to deal with.

 After that afternoon, Eva doesn’t really have time to go back to the centre. She still refuses to dance but she knows she has to go back to her dance studio. She’s the boss and even though her two employees have her full trust, there are things only she knows about. She doesn’t start working again. Even giving dance classes seems way too much for her now, but she starts going to her office a few hours once or twice a week, when Alma is taken care of, either by Sana, Noora or her aunt. 

 Eva is a realistic person and she knows that her mental block is irrational. There is nothing that stopping her from dancing. Her body suffered a lot in the first few months. Grieving is a really hard process, but she doesn’t ache physically like she used to. She doesn’t even try to put some music on and force her body to dance because she knows that it will just make things worse. 

 It’s just…. why would she dance again if Jonas isn’t there anymore to watch her?

 Jonas has always been the one to tell her that she was talented and that she shouldn’t waste her talent. He was the one to tell her that she was beautiful when she was dancing, and that she should just go for it. He was the one who never missed a show, the one who sat on a corner while she was practicing. He was the one who took a job opportunity to pay the bills so that she could dance. It’s Jonas who would walk her to auditions, who told her to accept his father’s offer to buy a little dance studio so that she could be a dance teacher.

Sure, she had kept on dancing when they were apart. A lot of progress was made with Chris. Chris was a great dancer and he had taught her a lot of hip hop techniques she never had heard of. In the year they had spent ‘together’, she had learned a lot but Jonas, who was a horrible dancer, had been a mental support since they had met. Her mother never believed Eva could make a career out of her passion. She wanted her to go to university. Eva and her mother do not have a very functional relationship. To this day, her mom still doesn’t believe that Eva has made the right choices. Alma, the dance studio, marrying Jonas; this isn’t the life Anne-Marit wanted for her daughter. Jonas had always been there for her, telling her she could do whatever she wanted, that he would support her.

That’s why she can’t bring herself to start dancing again; every step in her career is tied up with him. They had a lot of problems together, especially during their first relationship, but Jonas, even when they were separated, never missed one of her shows. Dancing again means rehearsing for an eventual show that Jonas would not attend. In her head, performing on stage without him in the audience is simply impossible, so she doesn’t dance.

 Several weeks pass without Eva and Chris crossing paths. Chris doesn’t really hang out with the rest of them. He apparently goes out with the boys for drinks from time to time but he’s not part of their circle, he has never been really. There’s no reason why they would see each other. 

 One day, she’s alone at home doing chores when her phone buzzes.

  **William:** Chris asks if I can give him your number? Are you okay with that?   

 **Eva:** I’ll text him thx

 She texts Chris to know what he wants and she hasn’t time to close the app that he has already texted her back.

  **Chris:** Hi, I hope I’m not bothering you. Are you free this afternoon? I need someone at the centre who knows how to dance 

 **Eva:** Chris, I don’t dance anymore 

 **Chris:** Yeah, I know. One of my employee is sick and she has her lesson this afternoon with the teenagers group and I just need someone to watch their rehearsal and be sure they actually rehearse correctly 

 **Chris:** You wouldn’t need to actually dance don’t worry 

 **Eva:** So you basically want a babysitter?

 **Chris:** Well if you put it that way……..

 **Eva:** okay, C. I’ll be here in about an hour 

 When she arrives at the centre, she’s greeted by Chris’s warm smile. He gives her a one arm hug and leads her to the dance room. He briefs her about the rehearsal. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know the choreography they have to rehearse. He just asks her to make sure nobody breaks their legs and that’s about it.   

 When the class is over, she joins Chris at his desk. She sits down on a chair next to his. 

“They’re pretty good for teenagers” she tells him. “Very in sync.”

“Yeah. Manuela accepted to work here and she came with her students, and that is so great” he tells her. “It brings people here. I’m so glad she said yes”

“Oh, that makes a lot sense! I didn’t really speak to them, they were very focused on rehearsing” she stretches her arm a bit, taking a pen into her fingers to play with.

“So, how are you dealing with the whole ‘being a boss’ thing?”

“God. It’s scary, isn’t it? I’m very happy to do it but you know, there is a lot of pressure on my shoulders.”

“Isn’t Emma helping you?” Eva asks. She was a bit surprised not to see her on the opening night but she didn’t want to pry. Chris gives her a side-eye. 

“Eva, I left New-York… alone.” she sees his smile dropping.

“You’re broken up?” the question slips out. Chris nods. 

“Divorced, but yes” She cannot hide the shock on her face and it makes Chris laugh.

“You married Emma?”

“Uh, oh.” he replies, in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit. 

“Three years ago. Didn’t William or Noora tell you?”

“Well, no.” she says.

“Okay, to be fair it was a rushed wedding without any ceremony so…”

Eva raises an eyebrow at him. 

“How so?”

“Well, her mom had cancer and she wanted to be here for her only daughter’s Big Day, you know. They knew it wasn’t gonna happen because her mom didn’t have a lot of time, I asked Emma if she wanted to get married and voilà!” 

“You married her so that her mom would see her in her white dress?” 

“Well, I would say that the reason we married each other was because we were in love, but yes, basically we rushed the whole thing to be sure that she would be there. Don’t judge!”

“Oh, no. It’s sweet. I cannot judge you when I got married because of a bet”

“A bet?”

“Yeah… Everyone bet that we would be the last to wed, so the natural answer was to be the first!” she laughs.

“I see” he clears his throat and adds “I’m very sorry about your loss, Eva. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you. I’m so glad to see you’re holding up”

“I try” she replies. “I have Alma”. She bites her inner cheek.

“How old is she?”

“Two years old. Do you hide a mini- Chris too?”

“Oh, no, no! Where is Alma then?”

“With her aunt. Thea loves to spend time with her sometimes”

“Okay. I’m gonna get food delivered from a great Chinese restaurant down the road, do you wanna stay with me?”

She laughs. She hesitates a bit because she doesn’t know if it’s a good idea but if she goes back home, she will end up eating ice cream on her sofa. “Yeah, sure” she replies.

 They eat their food sitting on the dance room’s floor, while a playlist is playing on the background. They used to do that a lot when they were training, back in high school. They talk about a lot of things, laugh about their past endeavours. He tells her a few secret about the modeling world and also about Noora and William. It had been a long time since Eva had laughed this much. Chris runs up really quick to his apartment and comes back with everything to make mojitos.

“You can crash here tonight” he tells her when he sits back down next to her.

“Chris…” she sighs and looks down at her finger. “I don’t…”

“I’ve got a spare room, Eva but, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, it’s up to you” He freezes, waiting for her approval.

“Okay.” 

After a couple of mojitos, Eva starts to feel the very well-known dizziness that comes with it. 

Despacito starts playing, making Chris smile. He gets up really quickly and offers her his hand. 

“Eva! Come! We’ve danced to Des-pa-ci-to too many times. For old time’s sake!”

She looks at him. Suddenly her mind is clearer than it has ever been. 

“No, Chris. I don’t dance anymore”

Chris looks at her guiltily. 

“Shit. I’m sorry, I forgot”

“Don’t worry” she replies, her eyes not meeting his. She pours herself another mojito. “It’s okay, Chris. Let’s drink”

 Soon, its 2AM, Eva is drunker than she has ever been in ages and collapses on Chris spare bed. She leaves his apartment the next morning, still hungover, before Chris is even awake. 

 

***

 A few days later, a glowing Isak shows up at her door unexpectedly. It had happened quite a few times in the past, but usually it was just because he wanted to talk to Jonas.

She invites him inside. He has that look on his face, the one when he desperately wants to tell something but wants to play coy about it. 

“Isak, spill” she tells him, putting two cups of coffee in front of them. 

“I just wanted to spend a bit of time with you and my beautiful goddaughter” he replies, touching Alma’s cheek.

“Sure” she tilts her head.

“Do I…Can I talk to you?” he almost whispers. “I mean… is it a bad time? Do you… mind?” he seems concerned. 

“What’s going on, Isak?”

“I just want someone’s opinion. I’m… I would have called him, you know. He would have probably kicked my ass.” a nervous laugh gets out. “You might kick my ass”

“Tell me, is something wrong?” she furrows her eyebrows.

Isak takes a sip of his coffee. Leaving his hands around the mug he looks at her. 

“I … called Even” he says. “I talked to him” 

Oh. Right. 

“That’s great. Have you talked talked or just…?”

“A bit of both? I was very nervous so we started just by making small talk, but then he made sure to tell me he is single again”

“Uh, oh” she says, before realizing that it’s totally Chris’s expression. “I see. That’s great, Isak” she winks.

“I’m not sure, but yeah. He told me how sorry he is about our break-up and that it is one of his biggest regrets.” he licks his lips and gets distracted by Alma who runs towards him. 

“She’s in her running phase, don’t worry” Eva explains. “So, did you see him again?”

“No. I listened to his explanations and explained my own version of the events. He said that he understood. Then I said goodbye.” 

“And, what did he say? Don’t leave me hanging, you’re my favorite telenovela!” Eva teases him. 

“Oh, shush” Isak smiles. “He said ‘Don’t be a stranger’ ”  

“And?” 

“And nothing, Eva!” 

“Well obviously, if you ran here at 9 in the morning, it’s because it means something” 

“Yeah, I feel… good. I mean, you know, the break-up devastated me. Knowing that Even didn’t mean what he said, it is a relief” Isak lets out a breath. 

“I feel like there is a but coming” Eva says.

“Yeah. I… Even was flirting on the phone. I flirted back. It was like we were back in high school, two blushing boys who were discovering how to flirt with another man. It felt… good. I was relived. However, like… I can’t get past the fact that he broke up with me and replaced me in one week. He stayed with his actress for 2 years, Eva. I can’t try again with him and lose myself in our relationship. I wouldn’t survive another break-up” he bites his lips and sips a bit of his cup to distract himself.

“I get that, yeah” Eva replies. It’s true. As much as she loves Even and knows he didn’t hurt Isak on purpose and didn’t mean that to happen, she also never wants to have to see Isak like she had seen him the past couple of years. 

“Eva, be honest with me. Do you think it would be weak to take him back again?” he asks shyly. Eva puts her hand on his wrist.

“Isak, no.” she says. “If you think that it would be a good thing, go for it. If I learned something, it’s that you shouldn’t wait to do what makes you happy” she tells him sincerely.

“Hmm... I called him because I dreamt about Jonas. He was basically scolding me” he admits. This is the first time Eva hears Isak pronouncing Jonas’s name since the accident. She sighs.

Isak’s lips start trembling. 

“Oh, Isak.” she lets out.

“I miss him so much, you have no idea…” he says. He quickly raises his gaze to meet hers “I’m sorry, that was stupid…”

“Hey, I get it. I swear. You’ve been friends for so long. We just miss him differently”

“Yeah.” 

“Look, about Even… Do whatever makes you happy. If seeing him again makes you happy, then go see him. If you’re happy with your life as it is, then don’t.”

“I just don’t want to be the man he calls back when he has been dumped, you know?”

“Do you really think you’re a rebound for him?” she quirks an eyebrows. Isak doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and then shakes his head. 

“No, but first Sonja, then this one…. I just don’t wanna get hurt, Eva. And… I…” his voice breaks.

“What?” she whispers.

“Jonas won’t be here to get me back on tracks” he chokes out. “That scares me to death, Eva. If everything stops like it did two years ago, Jonas won’t be there to pick up the pieces”

“Hmm... I’ll be here though. If you decide to give Even a second chance, I’m sure it won’t happen, though.”

“Thanks, Eva” he says. “We don’t know that, though”

“Well, look at me and Jonas. William and Noora” she points out.

“That’s not the same. None of you had a real relationship while you were broken up” 

“Isak, you should ask Even if he considers it a real relationship, you know? If he spent the last two years thinking of you, maybe you can get past it?”

Isak nods. Maybe he can.

***

The next time she sees Chris at the centre, they don’t talk about the other night. Chris greets her when she arrives and lets her slump on the chair next to him at the desk. 

“I wasn’t expecting you” he smirks.

“I didn’t plan on coming back today, but I was bored. Taking care of Alma is tiring, but I really don’t know what to do with myself when she’s not there” she sighs.

“I see” he replies, “I’m not sure I will be good company today though… I have a dance lesson in 10 minutes” 

“Can I watch you?”

Taken aback, Chris presses his lips together to suppress a smile. 

“Yeah, of course you can” 

 It becomes a routine; approximatively once a week, Chris sees Eva coming through the door, sitting next to him, drinking the Coke bottle she brings and following him to his dance lesson. She sits in the back, against the wall and watch him dance.

Chris would be lying if he said that knowing Eva is watching him dance doesn’t get him butterflies in his stomach. She has always had this effect on him. When she’s watching him dance, he feels her eyes burning on his skin. 

When he was younger, he usually just had to offer her his hand and she would get up and join him. He would get his hand on her hips, to feel her movements better. He would make her twirl around him. He would press their bodies together and when the music would stop, he just had to lean a bit down to kiss her. She would giggle, of course. 

Now, there is no way he can do everything he did back then. She isn’t free. She’s married. Widowed, yes, but still married.  She still has her wedding ring. 

When he’s dancing and his eyes catches hers, he cannot not smile at her. She smiles back at him, and sometimes she even giggles. If he can make her laugh again, then everything is great.

 One week, she doesn’t come by. Chris rationalizes that it is because Christmas is next week. He still texts William just to be sure. He’s not really worried, it’s just… Eva has always been a mystery to him and he wants to make sure he didn’t say or do something that hurt her. 

  **William:**   Man, give her time god 

 **William:** Jonas would have been 26 tomorrow let her be come on

 **William:** I TOLD you not to expect something from her, C. She just lost her husband man. Go on Tinder or something 

 **Chris:** I didn’t know! Shit. I don’t expect anything from her, I know she’s grieving.

 **William:** Do you? She needs support, not someone who wants to sleep with her. 

 **Chris:** IK! Are you doing something special?

 **William:** Yes, we’re getting lunch at Isak and Mahdi’s place. Weed, booze and music like he would have wanted. 

 **Chris:** Not very responsible for a soon-to-be dad…

 **William:** Being a dad doesn’t mean you can’t have fun :)

 It’s still so weird for Chris to grasp the idea that Jonas and William were friends. They’ve never been best friends, but they would meet up together without Noora and Eva. He’s not jealous, it’s just… 

He can’t picture it, William being friends with the hipster boy Chris had a fight with.  

*******

When Chris came back to Oslo, he kind of expected to get his old life back, as if time hadn’t passed. It was foolish of him and he realizes that now. 

He left everyone from one day to the next, without a warning and jetted off to New-York with a girl nobody knew to be a model. Expecting his friends and family to be stuck where they were 7 years ago was selfish. 

Of course, he never lost contact with his family and with William, but a few FaceTime calls here and there doesn’t let you fully grasp that you don’t really have a place in their daily lives. 

He came back to his parents planning their next trip with their new-purchased van, his sisters building their own lives, with their _boyfriends._ He came back to William and Noora trying to have a baby, Borkis living with his girlfriend, Seb no longer in Oslo. He also came back to Eva, married to Jonas, with a baby. 

Everyone here has their own life and he isn’t really part of it anymore, at least not actively. 

He used to have his life together. He had a great loft in New-York, with Emma. They traveled the world to do photoshoots with well-known photographers. They were sent to places only to make an appearance. Emma is more famous than him, because she has a huge number of followers on Instagram. 

He earned great money with this job and visited more countries than he could have dreamed of, but he aspired to a more peaceful life. At first, Emma had agreed. _‘We’ll do it for another couple of years and then we’ll go back to normal_ ’ she had said but she was made for the job. Emma is a natural. She loves making small talks with industry people to get a few contacts, she loves spending hours on a plane just to go to Milan for a couple of hours. She loves dressing up. She loves that life, Chris? Not so much. At first, it was exciting and fun and he was always with her so it was great.  After a few months, it just became his job. He was still enjoying it because of Emma, because he could see how happy she was. When it became clear to him that Emma didn’t really want to stop and go back to a more simple life, a decision had to be made. 

Emma pulled the trigger and told him to go back to Oslo. Their relationship had faded into something less than what they deserved so she kissed him one day and told him to go back to Oslo. It took him 6 months to prepare his comeback, find what he wanted to do, where he wanted to live and so on. When everything was settled, she said ‘you know I’m not coming with you, right?’. He knew, but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less.

Christoffer ‘Penetrator’ Schistad heartbroken, that is quite the plot twist.

When they signed the divorce papers, they decided that it was better for them to cut ties altogether. ‘If we’re meant to be, we’ll find our way back to each other, right?’ Emma had told him, because she is a romantic at heart but they both know that their love story is over. 

 Chris spends the holidays with his family. He doesn’t see Eva until the first week of January. 

When she shows up, she seems more tired than the last time he saw her. She smiles shyly at him and sits down next to him. He opens his mouth to ask him “What’s up?” but when he looks at her, he closes his mouth and gives her a smile instead. He notices that she didn’t bring Coke like she usually does. He goes to the vending machine at the entrance and buys her one. He feels her eyes watching him and when he hands the bottle to her, she smiles.

“I forgot” she says.

“No worries” 

Chris has accounts to do, so he does just that, with Eva by his side.  

“Penetrator Chris being a responsible owner, who would have guessed” she teases him. 

He glances at her and sticks his tongue out. 

This time, she leaves before his dance class.  

 

***

 

Eva doesn’t really know why she goes to see Chris once a week, but she does. Every week she finds someone who can take care of Alma and drives to his centre. She doesn’t tell anyone where she goes. She’s pretty sure William knows; Chris never was able to  keep a secret from his best friend but she knows William enough to know William probably kept his mouth shut.  

This hour with Chris is like a breath of fresh air for her. Chris is safe; he knows her but he isn’t grieving Jonas. Sure, she knows he’s empathetic but he has no ties to her late husband. They were more enemies than friends and she doesn’t recall any discussion between the two. Sometimes, Chris walks on eggshells around her but it is out of respect for her grieving and not because of his own emotions. 

She loves her friends but they are also grieving their friend and it sometimes interferes with their friendship. 

Sometimes, at night, she stalks Chris on social media. Emma never deleted their pictures. They are also Instagram accounts dedicated to Emma, and even Emma and Chris, which collected every single picture of them posted online. She had never really realized that Chris was a real model because they weren’t famous in Norway. They were based in Italy and New-York.

 Eva isn’t blind, she knows that Chris is flirting with her. She also knows that he won’t actually try something if she doesn’t explicitly tell him she’s okay with it. She loves being someone’s centre of attention. He makes her blush and giggle a lot. She thought that she would be immune to his flirting technique by now. She’s still a human with a working brain and hormones. Chris is still hot. He has aged a bit, but he’s only 27 and is in very good shape. She has looked at his body while he was dancing, she can admit that Chris is still hot. 

 One week, she arrives and her spot next to Chris is occupied by Yousef. 

Chris smiles when he sees her and gives her a look that means ‘please don’t ask questions.’

Yousef and Chris used to dance together a lot. They took classes at the same dance school when they were kids. Yousef had to stop dancing regularly when he injured his knee but they kept contact throughout the years. 

She quickly understands that Yousef is crashing at his apartment, which means that things are not good between Sana and him. She makes a mental note to call her friend, Sana’s sudden extra shifts at the hospital make a lot more sense, now. 

Chris invites Eva to stay for dinner when she says that her daughter is spending the night with William and Noora. 

“They need practice more than ever, she’s almost ready to pop” Chris jokes before he meets Eva’s gaze. Yousef looks down at his feet and bites his lips.

He looks at Eva and gives her a small smile, probably because he knows that she knows. She returns the smile and changes the subject.

 They’re eating dessert when Yousef opens up. 

“Eva, could you make sure that Sana is okay?” he asks her. “I know I could just go home but I need time to process everything. I know how she is though and I’ll be grateful if you could tell me how she is doing” 

She's nodding in agreement when Chris speaks up. “God, Yousef, just call her or text her. Tell her that you want to know how she’s doing because you care about her but that you’re not ready to go back home.” He sighs. “I don’t even know what you’re doing here. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind you crashing here but all you’ve done is moping and worrying about your wife. You love Sana, you can’t picture a life without her, whether she’ll give you offspring or not so cut the bullshit and talk to your wife, man”

Eva can’t help but smile. “Agreed” 

Yousef looks at Chris and takes a breath. “You can understand that I don’t want to … die without knowing what it is to be a father” he whispers. 

Chris’s eyes widen and meet Eva’s instantly. She bites her lips and nods. She gulps with difficulty.

“That’s understandable. I get that. This was one of my first thoughts, you know. I’m so happy that Jonas was able to be a father for a year and a half. However, you can understand Sana’s side, can’t you? Alma is two years old and she already has to deal with her father loss. No matter what happens in her life, from now on, she has to live with that. She has to grow up with a late father. As a mother, or as a potential one, this is scary.”  she tries to hide her emotions the best she can but she has to close her eyes for a few seconds when she’s done.   

That night, when she decides that it’s time for her to go home, Chris walks her to her car and hugs her tight. “You’re the strongest person I know” he whispers in her ear. 

***

When Ethan Jonas Magnusson is born, Eva realizes that it also means that Jonas has been gone for 9 months and she can’t believe it. Those months passed painfully slowly  but at the same time, it seems like the accident happened yesterday. 

When Noora told her that their son would be called Ethan Jonas, Eva argued that they didn’t need to call him Jonas. She didn’t - and still doesn’t - understand their motives to do that. Isak told her to drop it; they are the parents and can call their son however they want. They don’t need Eva’s approval or permission. 

  **Eva:** They’re giving their son Jonas’s name! Why would they do that?

 **Isak:** If it’s the way they’re dealing with their grieving process, let them do whatever they want, Eva.  

 **Eva:** Since when do you make sense?

 When she’s driving to the hospital to see the new family, Eva reflects on her reaction. She realizes that her outburst was prompted because she is still a bit hurt they kept the pregnancy a secret. There’s also a strange feeling that arose when William texted her the news. That feeling is close to jealousy. It’s hard to accept that life can smile brightly to your friend and give them the greatest gift possible just when she took everything from you. As delighted as Eva is for her friends, she can’t stop asking why Jonas had to go and the only answer she can have is; that’s the circle of life.

 Noora is glowing even if her exhaustion is showing on her face. 

“I don’t know how you can be this beautiful just a few hours after giving birth.” Eva tells Noora when she greets her.  She congratulates William afterwards. She didn’t know he could smile this much. 

 Chris arrives a few minutes after her with a huge bouquet of flowers. Ethan is of course the centre of attention. They’re soon joined by Isak, Mahdi and Vilde with Chris on FaceTime.

When the door opens one more time to let Sana and Yousef in, Chris pokes Eva and smiles at her. She comes closer and feels his hand around her waist. She leans in a bit and whispers in his ear “All he needed was a kick in the ass”. Chris giggles and whispers back “and I was happy to give it to him”

 Soon after Ethan’s birth, Chris meets Alma. Noora and William are too busy to take Alma with them, Théa is quite busy with uni too, the grandparents are abroad. Mahdi and Isak babysit Alma for her a few times but they have more time during weekends and at night. The first few weeks, she skips the centre altogether. They text a bit - mostly memes and jokes -  and Chris tells her that he misses her. 

She realizes that, well, she misses him too. It kind of hits her like a brick when she reads Chris’s text. Chris said it playfully with a lot of emojis to convey the joke but she knows that Chris would not lie; if he says that he wants to see her, he does. 

Eva tries not to overthink too much and goes to the centre with Alma.

 When Chris sees Eva entering the centre, he smiles because he was hoping to prompt her visit with his text. he’s a bit relieved to know that she kind of feels the same way. It takes him a few seconds only to understand that she didn’t come alone and knowing that she wants him to know her daughter warms his heart more than it should. He knows that it doesn’t really mean anything, but he kind of understood that she didn’t feel like bringing her daughter there because of Jonas. He understands it. Jonas hated him. William says that he didn’t, but he did and Alma is his daughter. With his history with Eva, he understands why she was a bit reluctant to let Chris in Alma’s life. He suggested signing her up for his children’s class but she told him she didn’t think it was a good idea so he never really brought up the subject again.

Chris had seen pictures of Alma on Instagram so he knew that she had her dad’s hair and her mom’s face but when he approaches the little girl he sees it even more clearly. She seems happy to be there and he counts that as a plus. 

“I won’t stay long. Noora can’t babysit Alma anymore so I decided to bring her with me but I don’t want to disturb” Eva says, putting her coat off. Alma looks at him with wide eyes and a smile on her face. He smiles back and Eva gestures her daughter to go say hi. Chris squats in front of her and says hello. Alma runs hiding in her mother’s legs. 

He’s a bit careful around her. Partly because he isn’t really at ease with babies as a rule but also because he knows that it is important to be on Eva’s daughter good side.  He wins her over with candy. He gives her a lollipop and Alma smiles instantly at him. She even follows him to the dance room, still holding Eva’s hand. 

She runs along the walls and looks at her reflection in the mirror. Eva brought some toys with her and gives them to Alma. 

Chris has a playlist for children and Alma seems to love the music. Chris and Eva sit down on the floor waiting for his next class.

“You can stay as much as you want, you know it”

“I won’t stay for your class, Alma won’t stay still for one hour” she replies with a apologetic smile. He notices how her face is different. She seems to have gained back some weight, she still has her messy bun - the one she calls ‘busy mom bun’ but she seems to sleep more these days.  

“She doesn’t need to stay still. I don’t care. If you want to stay, you can” Chris emphasizes the word ‘want’ because he only wants to know if it’s something she wants. 

On one hand, this situation is too complicated. He knows that they would be good together; they have undeniable chemistry, they’ve always spent good times together. Eva is the first girl Chris could have seen himself dating but they were young and wanted to have fun and met other people with whom, at the time, it felt more natural to build a relationship. Chris can’t really explain why they didn’t date at Nissen. Probably because they were too much good friends to date seriously. The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing seemed weird. 

Even years later, they could easily fall back into what they had a few years ago. They could have fun together, no strings attached and it would be easy. If Eva wanted that, Chris would say yes. His intuitions tell him that they’re not Eva and Chris from seven years ago. Chris just ended an almost 7 years-long _marriage_ and Eva lost her husband less than a year ago. She has a daughter. No strings attached wouldn’t work. 

On the other hand, he knows Eva. Deep down, she’s still the Eva he knows. She is still the Eva that laughs without a reason to, the Eva that rolls her eyes at Vilde, the Eva that observes her friends and knows what’s up with them even when they don’t talk. He can see how she struggles with her grief, how she seems to crave intimacy and attention. He was there once when she was lost and trying to find herself. He helped her having fun, he helped her improve her dancing skills. He could be a distraction if she needs or wants one. He could be just a distraction, if she asked. 

But she doesn’t ask, because she’s still married. 

His aunt lost her husband at a young age too and he remembers her saying that she would always be her husband’s wife, that she couldn’t think about loving someone else, that it would never be the same. When he sees Eva, she reminds him of his aunt and he realizes that he cannot expect more of Eva. He has to be her friend because he cares about her deeply and would be her distraction if she asked, but he knows that there are boundaries and he respects them.

 That’s why, when Eva kisses his cheek before leaving with her daughter in tow, he feels himself blushing but doesn’t say anything. He watches her go before going back to the dance room.

 

***

 “You’re screwed, man” William says, holding Ethan in his arms.

“What? Why?” Chris looks around them, but he doesn’t understand what William is talking about.

“Eva” William looks in her direction. She is talking to Sana and Noora, on the couch. Chris bites his lips. “What are you talking about?” 

“You have that stupid smile on every time she looks at you. You fell for her again.” he says that matter-of-factly, without even looking at Chris. 

They’ve been friends for too long for Chris to deny it. He knows that William doesn’t need his confirmation but he doesn’t admit that he’s right just to annoy him.

“You said it yourself, Will, she doesn’t need someone who wants to sleep with her” Chris whispers. 

Yousef takes a seat between the two friends. “But you don’t want to sleep with her, Chris.” He sips his tea and raises his eyebrows at him. “You want to date her” he continues. 

Chris drinks his glass in almost one go. William and Yousef laugh but before they can force him to talk about this Mahdi and Isak come to the kitchen and that ends the discussion. 

 Chris gives Yousef a curious look. “So, you’ve talked to your wife, man?”

Yousef smiles shyly and nods, it gets Mahdi and Isak’s attention. They find chairs and the other boys make room for them.

“Oh, great” Mahdi says. He gives a tiny look at Isak. “I love when people communicate” which makes William laugh.

“You two are okay, then?” Isak chimes in. 

“Well, we still have a lot of things to talk about but I think that we’re good, yes. We’ve decided that if in one year Sana still doesn’t want to have children, we will start the process to be a foster family. In the meantime, we’ll practice the whole parenting thing with Ethan” Yousef touches Ethan’s hand. The newborn is peacefully asleep on his dad’s lap. “So, I talked to Even the other day and he told me that you” he points at Isak “You went on a date with him last week” Isak blushes, his leg bouncing up.

“Ooooooooooh” the other boys scream in unison. The girls in the living room instantly turn their head to look at them.

“What’s going on?” Vilde asks.

“You’re going to wake my son up!” Noora stands up and goes to William to check up on Ethan. 

“Isak went on a date with Even and didn’t tell anyone” Elias raises his eyebrows. 

Vilde, Sana, Eva take their mugs and join the boys in the kitchen. 

“We’re listening, if you hadn’t noticed” Sana points out, a bit annoyed by Isak’s silence. 

“There is nothing to say, Sanasol” Isak tries to dodge. “We ate a pizza together. That’s it” He taps the table corner with his fingers impatiently. Everyone’s eyes are on him. 

“Why are you lying, Isak?” Mahdi says. “You were dancing and whistling when you came home.” he chuckles.

“Ok, ok” Isak admits defeat. “We might have talked about the possibility of us getting back together. Nothing is done yet, don’t get your hopes up, you animals!”

“You kissed!” Elias says enthusiastically. “No way you two haven’t _at least_ kissed”

Isak looks away, biting his inner cheek. Everyone else chuckles. 

“Hey, leave him alone” William says. Turning to face Isak, he adds “We’re happy for you, but you don’t have to give us details if you don’t want to” 

Isak smiles at him.

“What? Of course we need details? We didn’t spend two years trying to cheer him up to let him get away with playing coy!” Sana exclaims. 

“Oh Sana, you don’t know Will… It was his way to get info out of Isak. My boy is a gossip, don’t worry” Noora kisses William’s cheek tenderly. 

“Touché.”

 Eva listens to Isak’s story. She’s glad that he’s reconnecting with Even. They seem to actually want to work on their issues, which is the most important. She knows that Jonas would be so happy to hear every detail about their meet-up. Jonas would be beaming. But Jonas is not there. He’s not there to tease Isak, to congratulate William, to play cards with Mahdi. Hearing everyone laughing and being happy become insufferable all of a sudden. She feels the tears rise. Her heart is pounding too fast and she tries to turn over, because she doesn’t want to ruin the day for her friends, when she feels Chris wrapping his hand around her waist. He discreetly pulls her against him and guides her towards the exit. 

In the hall, he takes her coat and her purse. When they’re outside, she stops a bit further from Noora’s and William’s house and tries to find her breathing again. She looks at him apologetically, he puts his hand on her shoulder. 

She’s crying so he takes her in his arms. “Is your car this way?” he asks quietly. She nods.

“I have to go pick Alma up” she hiccups. 

“I’ll drive you” he decides. She doesn’t fight him. He leads her to her car that he spots on the parking lot, finds her keys in her purse and drives her to Théa’s house, following her GPS.  

She doesn’t talk. Chris only hears her breathing heavily and crying. She leans on the door and hides her face from him so he focuses on the road.

When he parks and shuts down the car, he turns over and looks at her. Her makeup is all smudgy and her eyes are red. He gives her a tiny smile. She looks straight ahead and takes a huge breathe. In a matter of seconds, she calms herself and stops crying. She takes something in her purse and quickly cleans her makeup. He still can see how tired and drained she is but, still, the power a mother has is astonishing.

She takes a few huge breathes to give herself courage and opens the door. “I’ll be quick” she tells him. 

She comes back with Alma in her arms and a smile on her face. 

Chris drives them back to her house. He hesitates a few seconds to enter the house, he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea but Eva gestures him to come with her.

He didn’t expect Eva’s house to be this small. It’s a traditional house, nothing really fancy. She lets go of Alma who runs to the living room. He notices that she has a corner for herself, with toys, a table and a chair. 

He follows Eva to the kitchen. 

“I can go if you want?” he asks because even if he doesn’t want to leave, the last thing he wants is to make her uncomfortable. This is Jonas’s house after all. 

“No, stay. I need company tonight” she admits, looking at him. He can see in her eyes that it costs her to admit that she’s not fine. 

They hear noise coming from the living room. “Alma, what are you doing sweetie? Come here”

She goes to the living room and stops when she spots the mess Alma made. She sighs. “Alma Magdalena Vasquez!” she shouts. The little girl turns over to face her mom and she seems as guilty as a two-years-old can be.  

Eva looks back and forth between Chris and the mess in front of them and she starts laughing. He joins her because honestly, he didn’t know a tiny human being like Alma could make such a mess in the thirty seconds they had left her alone. She emptied her cabinet almost entirely and drew on the floor and the walls with her crayons. 

Eva, still laughing, kneels down in front of her daughter and touches her chin. “You can’t do that young lady. Now, we have to clean up! Your daddy didn’t set up this little corner for you to destroy it, okay?” Eva’s voice breaks at the last sentence. Alma nods so Eva sits down and starts cleaning up. Chris sits down next to her to help her.

“You don’t have to, Chris” she whispers. He looks at her hand on his thigh and smiles at her. 

“I want to” 

 A few hours later, Eva has put Alma to sleep and goes back to the living room, where Chris is awkwardly waiting on the couch. 

She prepares something to eat and joins him. They eat in silence, not looking at each other. 

Eva stops eating and plays with her food.  Now that Alma is asleep, she seems to let everything go. She glances at him. “It’s difficult sometimes to see our friends be happy. Not for me, per se, but for him. I kind of accepted that I lost my husband. I am not okay with it, I probably never will be, but that’s life. Jonas died at 25, that’s unfair. He should be here, you know? He should have heard Isak telling his story. Seeing Isak happy, William with Ethan, Elias laughing or Yousef trying to sort his problems out.  It is a constant reminder that Jonas’s life stopped. One second he was there, trying to offer Alma the best life he could, being happy and the next he wasn’t breathing anymore. I know a lot of people in my situation feel like their partner left them. I don’t. I know he didn’t leave me so I just feel so sad for him because it was not his decision. His life was taken away from him and sometimes, little things happen and I’m reminded that everything was taken away from him. Every second. It’s _huge_ and sometimes I feel too small to handle it. No matter what everyone says, even though I know they miss him like crazy too,  I am the one wearing that weight. Their lives are not connected to his like mine.”

“I understand” Chris whispers. He wipes the tears from her face gently. She leans on him, putting her face into his lap. She falls asleep with Chris’s fingers running through her hair. 

When she wakes up, he’s still soothing her hair.

“I probably should go” he says but she shakes her head. She sits up a bit and touches his cheek with her hand, biting her lips. 

“Stay with me?” she seems unsure but he nods anyway. “We can sleep on the couch. I don’t…” she adds but he interrupts her by squeezing her hand. 

He undresses quickly and lies down on the couch. She settles in his embrace and falls asleep really fast.

 When he wakes up, it’s still early. At first, he doesn’t remember where he is but then he notices Eva, holding a coffee cup and smiling at him and he remembers last night’s events. God. 

“I got a phone call from your best friend” she tells him when he takes the cup from her hand. “He’s picking you up in five minutes because you have an appointment apparently” 

“ _Oh_ , yes. Shit” he had totally forgotten about this appointment. Bless William and his perfect organization.  

He drinks his coffee and stands up to go when he hears William’s car. 

“Thanks” they both say at the same time, and then chuckle nervously.

“No worries” he replies, looking down at his feet. 

He looks up because he feels Eva getting closer and looks at her confusingly. She smiles at him, cups his face with both of her hands and kisses him. 

It’s a chaste kiss, but it seems to mean so much that it startles Chris. When they part, Eva laughs and bites her lips but Chris forgets how to function. 

“William is waiting for you Chris” she says.

He nods and leaves.

***

 Eva didn’t plan on ghosting him. She kissed him because she wanted to and because she thought she was ready to. They had been tiptoeing around each other for long and it felt natural but when he left and she was alone in her house, she started to feel uneasy and a bit guilty. 

If it was just about her, she wouldn’t hesitate but Alma is involved. She can’t date - or hook up - with Chris without thinking of Alma first. Alma is Jonas’s daughter and he hated Chris. Chris would be interacting with Alma, due to the circumstances. She can’t do that to him. It feels like betraying Jonas, not moving on. 

She doesn’t text him, doesn’t go see him. She avoids William and Noora too. She takes a few days to process everything and reflects on everything. She takes time for herself and her daughter.

 She goes to the park with Isak and Alma. While the little girl is playing in the sandbox, the two friends start catching up. Isak tells her he isn’t sure he and Even are going to be able to fix things between us because he’s a bit stubborn. 

“I realized I’m more hurt than I thought. I can spend a few hours with him and be okay. I can kiss him and even… hook up with him. I’m happy in his presence but then he says something and I… cannot do it anymore.”  Isak explains.

“What does he say?” 

“Nothing. He just stares at me and leaves” Isak sighs.

“And you would like him to fight for you” 

“Well…Yeah.”

“Tell him, Isak! Even probably thinks he’s giving you the space you need. If you tell him you don’t need space, he will know. He can’t read your mind.”

“Oh, yeah, because you totally told Chris what’s on your mind” he scoffs. 

Eva looks at him confusingly. “How do you know about me and Chris?”

“I guessed.”

Eva takes time to find her words.

“I cannot do that to Jonas. I just… If it was someone else, it would be okay, but I can’t let Chris in Alma’s life. It feels like a betrayal. I don’t know… I know it sounds crazy but I know he would not approve and it stops me. I can’t start something with Chris knowing that Jonas would be hurt if he knew. I know that Jonas is gone but I still feel his presence and I will always live with him so if I start dating someone, I want to be sure he would approve.” Eva explains.

 Isak scoffs. “Jonas would approve of Chris, Eva”. He looks at her tenderly. 

Eva laughs “He would definitely not approve” 

“Yes, he would. He already did. Look, Eva. Jonas always wanted you to be happy. That’s all he wanted.” He bites his lips to suppress a few tears.

“He hated Chris, Isak” 

“Jonas didn’t hate him. He was jealous and felt threatened by him to some extent, yes, but he didn’t hate him.  Do you remember when Jonas and you were broken up and Sana organized her Eid party?” she nods. “Few days before the party, Chris sent a text to Jonas asking for advice about you. At first, he didn’t want to give him advice, because he said you deserved better than him. Magnus told him that maybe Chris had changed and was genuinely interested. Vilde told us that she thought you were in love with him so he replied, giving him advice. If I remember correctly, Chris wanted to give you flowers but he said that you were more a ‘Netflix and Chill’ kind of girl. I asked him why he sent _genuine_ advice, and he told me it was because he wanted you to be happy, and that if you were happy with Christoffer Schistad, then it was not his place to interfere. He thought you wanted to date Chris so he invited Emma, and well… you know how it turned out.” Isak lets out a laugh. He still can’t believe what happened at that party.

 “It was years ago! Now, with Alma he wouldn’t feel the same” Eva mumbles. 

“Look Eva, if you don’t want to be with Chris, that’s okay. It’s up to you. If you’re not ready, that’s another story but don’t hide behind Jonas. As much as I hate it, Jonas is gone and he would like you and Alma to be happy. When you find your happiness, may it be with Chris or not, then Jonas will rest in peace”

“Do you really think he would be okay with Chris helping raise Alma ?” she asks with a strained voice. “Obviously I don’t even know what the future holds but I don’t want to date someone without thinking about long term, you know?”

“Well, I mean, in this context where he can’t be the one raising her with you, yes, I do. He was not a fan of Chris due to jealousy, but I’m pretty sure he would love to know the man helping you.” 

“I just don’t want anyone to think that I …didn’t love Jonas or that I was thinking of Chris when I was with him. I never thought I would meet Chris again. I thought I would stay with Jonas forever”

Isak is shaking, his voice trembling. He gulps. “Oh, Eva. I know you won’t just forget about him because you start dating again. Nobody that knows you would think that you weren’t sincere with Jonas. You can see it that way; you are _Jonas’s_ forever. Part of you will probably always love him. You can’t stop loving because Jonas isn’t there anymore. You have too much love to give, Eva.”

Eva bites her lips. Alma comes back and demands her mom’s attention.  

“I could bring her back to my place, if you want? Mahdi would be thrilled to have this cute little one over.” Isak winks at Eva.

“What do you say about that Alma? Do you want to go to Isak’s and Mahdi’s place, love?”

“Youyou” Alma screams, nodding. Eva kisses her cheek. 

“Did I imagine that or does your daughter would prefer going to Yousef’s?” 

“I think that’s what she was implying, yes” Eva laughs. Isak gasps. 

“I’m wounded. Betrayed.” Isak tells Alma, who climbs on his lap. “But I will call Sanasol and see if maybe we can arrange something”

***

When Eva arrives to the centre, she goes straight to Chris’s apartment. She knocks on his door. The wait seems interminable and she is starting to reconsider her choice to come see him when Chris opens the door. He inhales sharply when he sees her and invites her in with a shy smile. 

“I should have called.” she says, lips pressed, determined to tell him everything that is on her list she mentally made while driving here. 

“It would have been great but…” Chris admits. He can’t really blame her, he has done way worse with girls.

“I needed time to process everything” They’re still facing each other, standing in the hall but Eva’s body is slightly turned to the side.

Chris moves first and Eva follows. He goes to the kitchen and prepares tea, without even asking her if she wants a cup. Eva stays in the doorway, fixing her hair as an attempt to calm her nerves. What she has to tell him is not easy, it could be a deal breaker and she knows it; what she’s asking is a lot and Chris has every reason to refuse. 

She hopes they will figure everything out together, but she’s ready to face it all alone. 

Chris turns over with two mugs in his hands. He puts them on his tiny kitchen table and sits down. He looks at her with a sweetness in his eyes that she doesn’t feel like she deserves. 

“Take a seat, I made you tea” he says. She’s relieved not to hear bitterness in his voice. She sits down in front of him and takes the hot mug in her hands.

“I thought I was ready to kiss you” she starts. “Scratch that. I was ready to kiss you, but when you left, I was alone in my house and I… convinced myself that it was not a good idea, because of everything. Anyway, I don’t know how to do this” she moves her hand between them. 

“What do you want?” he replies, looking at her. “Did you want to kiss me?” he sticks his tongue out just a little bit to lick his lips.

Eva nods “Yes, but…”

“There is no but, that’s all matters” 

“No, it’s not, Christoffer. We have a lot to talk about! We can’t do this if we do not communicate. I am not alone. If something happens between us two…”

“Eva, something is happening between us two since you came to the opening night.” Chris quirks an eyebrow at Eva and moves his mug closer to his lips. 

Eva sighs and shifts uncomfortably on the chair. “You don’t understand.” 

Chris takes her hand and squeezes it. “I think you don’t understand, Eva.” his voice is soft. “I’ll take what you’ll give me. As simple as that”

“It can’t work that way. You’ll get hurt if we don’t agree on a few things”

Chris opens his mouth to say something but he decides to let Eva do the talking if she really wants to talk.

“I have a daughter, who is and will be my first priority forever.  Raising a child is not easy and demands full time commitment and if I’m letting you in our lives, you have to be hundred percent sure you want her too, not just me. I won’t let my daughter suffer” she scans his face and sees him nodding so she continues. “Jonas is and will be a part of my life forever. He is Alma’s father and he is my husband, and even if he’s not among us anymore, he will always be a part of us.”

“Of course”

 “If we start dating, you cannot be jealous of him” Eva crosses her arms.

“Why would I be?” Chris asks her. “I get that Jonas is a part of you, of Alma. I don’t care”

Eva takes a huge breathe and plays with her hands. “You don’t understand” she whispers. “You don’t … understand. I’m not divorced, I’m a _widow_.” it feels like the first time she acknowledges her new status out loud. “It is different”

His face softens and he looks at her. “Eva, it seems to me like you don’t want me to understand. You seem a bit anxious. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. We don’t have to change a thing about our… relationship. I could be your friend if that’s all you want me to be. I wouldn’t have a problem with it. If you want a bit more, then just tell me so, and that’s it. It is that simple, Eva, I promise”  

“It is far from easy, Chris. That’s what you don’t understand!” her heart starts racing. Chris stands up quickly and squats down next to her. He rubs her back gently.

“Breathe, Eva. Can you hear me out?” 

Eva closes her eyes and nods.

“We’re not the same people we were when we were hooking up in high school. We grew up. Things happened in our lives; you lost your husband, your friend, the father of your child, your first love and yes, you didn’t have a choice and it got you by surprise and of course, you’re still healing and grieving and of course you won’t  ever forget Jonas. I would never ask you too. Nobody should ask you to. I left my life in Oslo for a girl I was madly in love with. I followed Emma around the world for six years. I did it on my own free will but I did it all for her, because modeling is what makes her happy. I thought that it was what you had to do for love, because she was my first real committed relationship. When I asked her to move back to Oslo, she told me she didn’t want to. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to loose the person you’re in love with, Eva. I can’t even picture loosing Emma like you lost Jonas. But, trying to heal and grieve a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore when you wanted to be with that person forever? I know what it is like. Look, I know that you’re looking for a sense of security and that’s why you want me to promise things and you want to plan on the long run and be sure that I’m here to stay. I know what you want to hear. I can’t promise you this, Eva, because I simply don’t know what the future has on cards for me. I won’t make promises I can’t keep. I can say that today I want to be with you. I don’t feel like it is fair to you to talk about certitudes about tomorrow.” 

Eva exhales loudly. She surges forwards, capturing Chris’s face between her hands and kisses him hard. Chris almost loses balance and smiles. When they pull apart, Eva rests her forehead on his and giggles. “Did you just admit that, you, Christoffer Schistad, Nissen’s well known Casanova, have a broken heart? Emma broke your heart?” She emphasizes Emma’s name.  

“She didn’t do it on purpose, but yes she did break my heart in pieces. Yes, _Emma_ stamped my heart. You had the same reaction as Noora and William but I promise you, Emma is a lovely girl with a lot of personality” he sits down on the table.

“She’s a bit brainy” Eva jokes and looks away. Chris touches her chin and kisses her again.

“Are you okay?” he whispers against her lips.  

“Yes. Well, I came here to talk and we didn’t really talk but, yes I’m okay” she says. Her shoulders hunch and she tries to take huge breaths.

“We can talk if you want, Eva. Let me tell you first, I worded my thoughts a bit incorrectly; I didn’t mean… I said I do not care about Jonas being a part of you but I didn’t mean like I don’t give a fuck. It’s just not a problem to me. I want to try to be in a relationship with you. I’m fully aware that now, Eva comes with Alma and Jonas. As long as you let me have a place in your life, I’m fine.”

“That seems so unfair. You will never have me completely and that’s …”

“okay” 

“You don’t mean that! I don’t want to hurt you but I don’t spend a day without thinking about him, you know? I am ready to love again, I promise but in my head it seems very unfair to the man that will end with me and the mess that is my life”

“You think about him, but you don’t… you’re not in a relationship with him. Well, no, I … I mean you won’t cheat on me. You’re thinking about him because you lost him and I think that’s fair. I’m not the kind of guy who dwells on the past. To me, it’s the present that counts first and foremost. And now, I’m the one you kiss and the one you’re thinking about having a relationship with and it’s what matters to me. You will obviously, I don’t know, celebrate his birthdays or talk about him, and he will always be in your heart and you will talk dearly of him with Alma and that’s fair. I mean, you’re his wife and Alma is his daughter so it seems logical. I wouldn’t have it any other way, it would be cruel of me to ask you to erase him from your life. I won’t resent you because you’re still thinking about your husband, Eva”

“You say that now but…”

“You’re right. I say that now and I promise you, that if I realize that I was wrong, I’ll tell you right away. The thing is, I don’t see Jonas as a threat. Not to me, not to our relationship. Maybe it sounds crazy but… I signed the lease for the centre the day after he had his accident.”

She makes a face, not following his thought process.

“I’ve always thought it was a sign. I don’t know why, because obviously we weren’t friends, but it felt like he was like… my lucky star?”

“Jonas Vasquez, your lucky star?” she laughs but then she thinks about it and adds, “Isak said he would approve of us, so hey… anything can happen.”

“Approve of us?” he repeats.

“Obviously just because he is not there anymore, but yeah. I discussed it with Isak today and he said that he sent you advice once so he doesn’t see why he would be opposed to you helping me raising Alma.”

“He did send me advice once, that’s true!” Chris smiles at the memory.

“First, why would you ask Jonas for advice? Second, why didn’t you follow his advice?”

“Because obviously he had done something right, as you accepted to be in a relationship with him and you didn’t want to date me. And because when I got his text, I thought he was kidding me.”

Eva scoffs. “He wasn’t”

“You really prefer Netflix and chill to flowers?”

“100%.”

“WOW.” 

***

In the first few months after Jonas’s accident, she had wondered how sex would be reintroduced in her life. She thought that maybe having a one night stand would help her get over with it but at the same time, the idea of meaningless sex scared her a bit. She had turned down an offer once. She wasn’t ready. A few times, she had wanted to go to a bar and find someone to help her release some tension. Wanting to feel desired is absolutely normal and she didn’t feel guilty but she felt like it wouldn’t be enough. If she found someone, she would simply get fucked, hopefully good. She craved a little more intimacy than just a drunk hook-up.

She had never thought she would have sex again with someone who knows her already. 

Chris is safe. He knows her, intimately, but he also knows her situation. He knows that it’s been months since she had sex with someone, he knows that that someone was her husband, who died not even 24 hours after. 

She doesn’t make a huge deal out of it. She’s attracted to him, he’s attracted to her. She wants him, he wants her so they have sex. However, Chris is more attentive than he has ever been, he’s looking at her the whole time, trying to decipher any sign of discomfort on her face. He lets her lead, not trying to ask too much too soon. 

Even after seven years of separation, they know each other as if they had never been apart. Their chemistry is still in full force and with an addition of growing feelings on both sides, they get to another level of intimacy. 

She remembers her younger self telling him that he fucked her good once or twice but now she can’t flatter his ego like that, because she would be forced to admit that they made love. 

***

The next week, it’s the first anniversary of Jonas’s death and Eva needs to deal with it alone, so Chris steps aside for a while. He takes time to think about the situation a little bit. Eva was right, in a sense, because he wasn’t really aware of the extent of her grieving. It is hard to find a place in Eva’s life. She is very independent and doesn’t really need someone so sometimes she doesn’t let him in. She also struggles a bit with guilt and he sees it in her eyes. He can guess sometimes when they kiss that she caught herself thinking about Jonas and not Chris. He’s fine with that, because he didn’t expect everything to go smoothly but sometimes he still wonders if Eva was really ready to date again. At the same time, he isn’t sure it would have been different if they had waited. She has to learn how to love someone else. 

The truth is everything is worth it. Eva is a bright light. She has something vibrant in her that makes Chris feel alive.  She isn’t shy with him. When she decided to be his girlfriend, she meant it. She doesn’t do things by half. Even though sometimes, her sadness catches up to them, she is always attentive. They’ve agreed to try to commit to a relationship and she’s trying. She finds time to do things with him, she brings Alma with her a few times, because she wants them to get to know each other.

She even invites him to her bedroom but Chris refuses. He doesn’t believe in ghosts, but he is almost sure that if they exist, Jonas would find a way to come back and kill him in his sleep.  

Thanks god the house has a spare room. 

 He’s waiting for her in the living room when she comes home from the dinner at Jonas’s parents. Alma is fast asleep in her mom’s arms and Eva seems exhausted. She smiles at him, but the redness of her eyes betrays her emotions.

He takes Alma in his arms gently, Eva kisses her temple and he goes upstairs to put the little girl to sleep. 

“There are mojitos ready in the fridge” he tells Eva. 

When he comes back down, he finds her curled up against a pillow on the couch, with a mojito in her hand. He sits down next to her and wipes her tears with his thumb. 

“His mom is devastated. His dad is not much better and Thea is trying to do her best to keep the family afloat. It’s so sad to see his parents do the same thing to Théa that they did to him. When we told them we were expecting, they put so much pressure on his shoulders. They weren’t impressed; they said we were too young, that it was irresponsible of us to keep it and so on. He had a great relationship with both of them and from the moment we told them that we decided to have Alma, they treated him like he had disappointed them simply because he didn’t follow their advice. They’re doing the same to Théa. She has decided to move to Peru for one year, just to breathe. She will teach kids there, but they’re not happy.”

 “Is that why Alma doesn’t see them often?” he asks, when Eva moves to settle against him. 

“Partly, yes. Their argument to convince us we couldn’t raise a child was saying that they would not baby sit her when we wanted, that we had to do it all alone. I think they used that as a threat, that they weren’t really serious, but once Alma was born, Jonas was clear: If they wanted to baby sit her, they had to ask but we would never ask them. We had enough friends anyway, plus Théa. I know that it was something Jonas was very adamant about so I keep it this way and do not ask them for help.”  

 “Is there anyone in our group that has a great relationship with their parents?” Chris tries to lighten the mood and sips a bit of his own mojito.

 “Well, Sana and Elias. Mahdi, I think, Magnus, if we still count him as a friend and Yousef.”

Chris nods. “Yes, that’s true. What happened to Magnus?” 

“He vanished after Vilde broke up with him. From one day to the next, without any explanation, he ghosted everyone. I think he needed time to process everything; Vilde told him that he didn’t make her happy and for someone like him, it was probably hard to swallow. If you ask me, I don’t think he planned to never come back. As time passed, he probably postponed his comeback and now he doesn’t see the point”

 “Ok, that’s depressing. Magnus is… the super happy dude that was always with Jonas right?”

“Yeah, yeah. Now he probably is this super happy dude without Jonas” her voice cracks and he holds her closer instinctively. 

 She shifts a bit trying to find a comfortable position to drink her mojito.

“Before Jonas’s death, I didn’t know what a tragedy meant. I don’t mean it depressingly, like some books we read in school. His death is a tragedy because it impacted so many lives in so many ways that it’s sometimes difficult to really grasp what his death means. Day to day, you live with your own version of the events, your loss and then you meet someone, or you think of a particular thing and it hits you that Jonas being gone also means this or that. In the grand scheme of things, one person loosing his life doesn’t mean much but at the same time, it impacts so many things that … It’s like an earthquake. I don’t make sense. Today, it’s one of those where the magnitude of his death hit me a bit too hard” 

 “I get it, I think.” Chris replies. “Everyone is the same person as before, but they’re not because they lost him, in a way or another. I see it with William”

“You do?” 

“Yes. When I met him, he was still in this weird state after his sister’s death. I think it was more like, trauma from the accident than grief, to be honest. I could see how Mari was trying to find her old friend but the old William was gone. And even… now, I kind of  see how losing Jonas resonates in him.”

 “I see it too. I think that it reminded him a bit too much about his sister”  

***

Eva spends a lot of time with Chris at the centre. Usually, she sits down in the corner of the room during his dance classes. She can see his employees, who are also friends, starting to raise their eyebrows at her presence. They start gossiping behind their backs and it deeply amuses her. 

Spending time with dancers obviously raises questions. She has a dance studio of her own and even though she is lucky to have people taking care of it for her when she doesn’t feel like it, she has to take a decision. Jonas died more than a year ago and she needs to either sell the studio or go back to work full time.

She doesn’t really want to go back to work. She loved dancing and teaching, but lately, it doesn’t appeal to her as it once did and she refuses to teach again if she isn’t hundred percent sure she wants to. 

She just has to accept that Jonas’s death changed her. 

When she confesses what is on her mind to Chris, he’s supportive. He tells her that there are a few slots in the centre schedule. She has a diploma in training and kids training and the possibilities are wider than just teaching dance. 

In the end, it’s Chris who comes up with an idea and suggests opening ‘dance’ classes for babies. It’s an introduction to music more than dance and as Eva is a mom, it works.

 Soon, step by step, she feels like her life entwines with Chris’s and it feels good. It’s more scary than she thought it would because it’s widely different than a few years back. Chris was right; they are very different than seven years ago. Still, dating Chris makes her feel like she’s seventeen again and that is the greatest thing that happened  to her in a long time.

 Chris is still his goofy self. He’s confident but he knows when to just be silly and have fun. It always warms her heart when he makes Alma giggle. 

He respects some unsaid boundaries but he always includes her daughter, in every plan he’s making. 

She realizes that she fell in love with him one day, when Chris is helping Alma climbing on the children’s slide for the thirtieth time with a huge smile on his face. He winks at her and it hits her like a brick. The only sound that escapes her mouth is _fuck_.

***

“Could you find someone to babysit Alma on Friday?” Chris is watching her brushing her hair, casually lying on the bed like the model he once was. 

“Maybe. Noora told me they could take her if we wanted. I could ask” she doesn’t know what he’s planning but there’s one thing that didn’t change about Chris in the last seven years, it’s that if he has plans on a Friday night, it involves alcohol.

“No, not Noora and William. They’re leaving Ethan to Yousef and Sana, maybe Alma could go with him?”

“How so? Where are we going?” 

“The Penetrators are organising a party and I want to go with you. William is bringing Noora, as always”

“Oh” she manages to say. The Penetrators have this tradition where they meet up every year in someone’s cabin for a wild night. No girls apart from the girlfriends are allowed, according to Noora. 

“Why do you have this weird tradition?” she doesn’t answer his question but she wants to know if it’s a big deal or not.

“No girls allowed if they’re not yours?” 

she winces at the formulation but nods anyway.

“I don’t really know to be honest? I mean I think it started because of a bet. I think someone was trying to taunt William about Noora or something and he was like “Yeah but if we decide that next year no girl is allowed to the party unless one of us is dating her, then I would be the only one able to kiss someone”. The boys saw it like a challenge and it sticked.”

“That’s … dumb?”

“We were never known for our intelligence. If you don’t wanna come, it’s okay. I just felt like it would be great for you to meet my friends” 

Eva scoffs. “No, no, I will go with you. You’re right, it will be great. Even though I think I might have hooked up with some of them” 

Eva laughs at Chris’s face. She climbs on the bed and straddles him. She leans in and pushes his hair off his forehead before kissing him. 

 When Friday comes, she dolls herself up with a cute black dress, high heels and a bit of makeup. Chris brings Alma to Yousef and after that, they go with Noora and William to the party.

It’s a real party like the Penetrators organized in high school. The music, the alcohol, the lights, everything reminds Eva of those famous parties Vilde desperately wanted to go. 

She makes a mental note to point out to Sana that as she had advised them once, they almost all ended up with a boy born in 1997 and _that includes Sana herself._

 There are a lot more food than back in the day, though. She ends up sitting next to the buffet with Noora, while their boyfriends are catching up with their friends. They moved the peanut bowl closer to them for easier access. 

“Are we trophy wives?” 

“I put on a red dress, stilettos and curled my hair, so technically speaking yes, but… you know… they’re cute, so.” 

Eva smiles. 

“I secretly think it’s cute, you know, but don’t tell Will. Obviously I’ve been here every year and it’s always cute how the boys are a bit shy to introduce their girl to the boys. It is a big deal for them. It really means ‘hey, I think I found the one’. At first, I thought that you know, the point was for them to find a girl to invite, no matter what. But no, when they invite a girl, it is because they’re serious. Some of them are dating someone but they’re coming here alone.”

“So, you’ve met up with Emma” Eva replies.

“She didn’t come to the last few gatherings due to schedules clashing, but yeah.” 

Eva eats a few peanuts.

“Not too hard to leave your baby boy for a night?”

Noora sighs dramatically. “Well… A bit. We weren’t sure if it was a good idea, whether William should come alone or not at all but, I don’t know, I wanted to spend a whole night with William. I trust Sana, she’s a doctor and Yousef knows kids and Ethan knows them so I’m fine. A bit worried, but not as much as this one here” she says pointing at William, who’s talking to one of his friends, a glass in his hand.

 “I see”

“We weren’t sure we wanted kids because of our own families’ problems but… Now there is no doubt that we made the right choice. And there is no doubt that our families won’t be part of his life” 

“We kind of have a family of our own.”

Noora smiles and presses her lips together.

“I wanted to say… I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you about my pregnancy sooner. I should have but…”

“I get it”

“Hmmm… okay”. She plays with her rings and bites her lip. “Jonas’s accident was the reason we didn’t tell you but we … we hid it from the others too. Vilde only found out a bit by accident because she worked with me.”

Eva nods and waits for Noora to continue but the blonde girl takes a huge breathe instead. 

“Do you remember when everyone was worried about me when we were still in school? William had been back for a few months and Vilde thought I was sad because Niko was back in town and something happened?”

“Yes, I remember. William got into this huge fight with Niko and all the boys backed him up”

“Yes, but that’s not why me and William were sad… exhausted… in this weird mood. It was a very shitty time for us and Niko had to reappear just _then_. We managed to hide what happened from everyone because everyone thought Niko was our problem. He wasn't. ”

Eva follows Noora’s gaze. She’s looking at William. 

“I miscarried.” she says in a whisper, still looking at him like it helped her say it out loud.

A sound, that translates both her surprise and her horror,  escapes Eva’s mouth.

“One day, I noticed changes in my body and I didn’t think it was possible but I still took a pregnancy test just to be sure. It was positive. William and I, we were shocked and we didn’t know what to do because I was still in school and he was still studying too. We were terrified so we decided to keep it to ourselves until we had figured out what to do. Soon, it became clear to both of us that an abortion was out of the question for us. We started planning our lives with a baby and we were terrified, but… we were happy. Just a few weeks later, I was alone with William. My back was aching, I started bleeding and I had contractions. We hadn’t gone to the doctor yet but … I knew what was happening. We went to the hospital but they told us that there was little to nothing to do so we went home. And waited.” 

“Oh… I’m so sorry.” 

Noora smiles at her friend.

“It’s common, it happens more than you would believe. My doctor said that it had no impact on my body but… she also said that having kids young would help us, just in case. So, we waited to have a stable situation and then we tried. I think the doctor was a bit surprised to see that we were still together when we went to Ethan’s first sonograph.” she lets out a laugh. “I didn’t want to tell everyone only to loose the baby again”

Eva rubs Noora’s arm.

“I understand. You could have told us, you know. We would have helped you”

“I know but… We wanted to forget and then Niko started sending texts to William and… Yeah. We dealt with it in private.”

Eva nods.

“I didn’t choose the best time to tell you this, I hope I didn’t ruin the party” Noora tells her nervously. 

William and Chris choose this moment to join their girlfriends and wrap their arms around their waists. William kisses Noora’s temple.

 The new parents leave soon after that.

Chris and Eva pour themselves drink after drink. Cuddling on a armchair, with bottles at their feet, they spend the rest of the night just the two of them, kissing and sharing bottles of alcohol that are too strong to be drunk alone. Her makeup is smudged and her dress is ridden up a bit too high because of Chris hands on her tights but she doesn’t care. They’ve done way worse at Penetrators’ parties back in the days. 

***

The first fight they have happens one day when Eva notices that Emma liked a picture  of the two of them Chris uploaded on Instagram.

She knows it’s irrational. It’s just a like but she can’t control the feeling of jealousy it arises. 

She tries to burry it deep down but Chris notices her moodiness. 

 “What’s going on?” he asks.

“Nothing.” she says, focusing on the papers she’s filling in for the centre. 

“Eva…” he murmurs, invading her personal space to wrap his arms around her neck. She moves to get him off of her. 

“Chris!” she yells. “Stop.”

Chris sits back on his chair. 

“Tell me what’s going on then.” he tells her firmly. 

She glances at him quickly and his face is closed. He seems irritated and that doesn’t happen often. 

“Hell, if it’s about Jonas or … You know you can tell me.” his voice is softer.

She takes a second to think about how to broach the subject with him because she can see the exasperated look he will eventually give her when she will mention Instagram likes. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re still in contact with Emma?” she asks, without looking at him.

Chris scoffs. “What? Because I’m not. The last time I saw her was…” he bites his lips. “When I moved out from our apartment”

Eva looks at him. “And the last time you talked to her? The last time you texted her?” 

She is definitely irrational but at the same time, she feels like she is sixteen again, feeling insecure because her boyfriend might be in contact with his ex.

The situations are widely different but she realizes that a part of her still feels the same deep insecurity.

Chris groans and takes his iPhone. He looks at her, his lips pressed and hands it to her. 

“There is no code. Go ahead, look” he hurls.

She hesitates a bit but takes the phone and looks at his messages.

“Wow. You really do not trust me” he lets out, rubbing the back of his neck.

Eva looks guilty but she has her answer. No messages or calls from Emma.

“She liked your latest post on Instagram. ” she defends herself.

Chris looks at her. “The picture of _us_ I uploaded. How is that a problem?”

“It’s not a problem. I was just….”

“Jeez, Eva. So what are you thinking? Once a ‘fuckboy’, always a ‘fuckboy’?” 

“No! You said it yourself, Chris, Emma has a special place in your heart and I…” 

Chris lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Really? You’re jealous of my ex-wife?”

“I know I shouldn’t be, okay, but I can’t help it. I know you still love her.”

Chris clears his throat. “I hate bringing it up, but coming from you, it is a bit…”

“That’s not the same! Emma is alive. You could go back with her.”

“It _is_ the same, except that you can’t go back with Jonas so even if you haven’t feelings for me, you’re staying because it is convenient.”

Eva’s jaw drops and she crosses her arms against her stomach. The atmosphere becomes heavy. 

“I have feelings for you and you know it!” she yells. 

“Do I?”

“You really think that I’m with you out of convenience? Really, Chris? You think that you’re a _distraction_ because my husband died ?” 

She feels a heavy knot in her stomach. Chris doesn’t answer.

“Fuck you, Christoffer” she wails. 

Seeing the hurt in her eyes brings Chris back to reality. 

“I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m a distraction, but… I mean, I also know we wouldn’t be together if Jonas was still there and sometimes it takes a toll on me.”  he tells her.

“I can’t contradict you on that but we wouldn’t be together if you had stayed in New York either. I know that I’m asking a lot. I come with a heavy baggage and I’m so grateful you accepted me that way. I would be okay on my own, though. I chose to be with you because I’m in love with you, Chris.” The last words are loud and clear but there is a hint of vulnerability in her voice that shows how sincere her declaration is.

Chris closes the distance between them in a heartbeat, grabs her face and kisses her. 

“Same” he says with a huge smile on his face. Eva punches him.

He laughs. “I’m in love with you too, Eva” he whispers against her lips. He leans on the desk and drags her with him so she stands up, not letting their mouths part. Chris looks at the desk and all the papers on it. He quickly clears a spot and lifts Eva up to make her sit there. His attention goes to her neck first, then back to her mouth.

Between kisses, he looks at her and giggles. 

“Did you really get jealous because of an Instagram like?” 

“Shut up and kiss me, Schistad”  

***

Soon, Alma turns three years old.

Eva wakes her daughter up with a lot of kisses. She almost sheds a few tears because her baby is growing up. Like every day, Alma says hi to her dad.

She understands that it’s her birthday and is very ecstatic about it. She knows that her mom has invited people to her birthday party this afternoon.

“Mommy, my birthday today” she screams. 

Eva kisses her cheek. 

“Yeah, you’re three today. You’re a big girl”

“I want breakfast”

“What do we say?” Eva replies, looking at her daughter with a smile.

“Please?” 

“Chris is making waffles!” 

The little girl moves in her mother’s arms and screams in excitement.

When they arrive in the kitchen, Chris has prepared three plate with waffles. Eva settles Alma down on her kid chair and sits down next to her. She puts chocolate on Alma’s waffle and cuts it in smaller pieces before giving them to her. 

Obviously, her attempts to minimize the mess Alma would make go to waste when she turns to Chris and asks for whipped cream. She’s smiling ear to ear and tilting her head so Chris cracks and give some to her, which is a mistake. An honest mistake, full of good intentions, but still a huge mistake. (It is almost endearing to see him making genuine mistake because he doesn’t know how kids work.)

 They ordered a cake from a bakery because nobody wants to bake a cake for twenty people. They opted for a circus themed party because it’s currently Alma’s obsession. Chris and Eva decorate the house with balloons and prepare a few cocktails. They dress up a bit, just to be sure to have great pictures. 

 Sana and Yousef arrive hand in hand. Sana is wearing a pink dress and has high heels on. Her make-up is light. She greets Alma first. Chris takes a picture of Sana, Alma in her arms and Yousef.

Alma soon captivates Yousef’s attention and brings him to her corner of the living room and puts a crown on his head.

Sana says hello to Chris and Eva.

“You’re only wearing one black piece of clothing?” Eva teases her, pointing to her hijab. Sana smiles and raises her eyebrows.

Eva notices her friend’s soft gaze when she spots her husband and Alma but she doesn’t say anything.

Vilde arrives with Mahdi, Isak, and Even. Everyone is a bit surprised to see Even, but they greet him enthusiastically. Eva shares a knowing look with Isak, who didn’t tell her Even would come. 

When he kisses her cheek, he whispers “Surprise?” in her ear. 

She tears up a bit and tells him how proud Jonas would be. 

Mahdi reiterates how happy and relieved he is to see Isak and Even together. 

“I will finally have my apartment for myself!” he says. 

“You’ll miss me.” Isak replies with a smirk. 

Mahdi smiles. Eva gestures Chris to come closer and asks him to take a picture of Isak and Mahdi.   

“I volunteer to keep you company, Mahdi” Chris, girl Chris, screams from behind them. 

Everyone turns over. “CHRIIIIIIS” They all yell in unison. She walks over to her friends, arms full of gifts for the kids and a huge smile on her face.

“I feel like your Queen. or the Pope. Or Messiah. I feel loved” she tells them when she’s close to them. “Everything I’m holding is for my princess Alma and the new Prince Ethan so back off, my dudes.” 

Chris suddenly looks at Chris, who’s taking pictures. “MY TWIN!” she closes the distance between them and kisses his cheek. “I’m so glad you got your ass back here”

“Me too, Chris, me too”

 Chris squeals with excitement when she spots William and Noora arriving with Ethan. She wraps both of them in a huge embrace before taking Ethan in her arms. William takes a step back and joins Chris.

“No shade but you look like shit, man”

“Awww thank you. We haven’t sleep in forever.”

“You don’t take turns?”

“We try but this week Ethan has been sick and we both hear him crying, so”

“My poor godson.” Chris beams.

William side-eyes him. “Why do you think you’re his godfather?”

“Who else would it be?” he says matter-of-factly. 

 Eva catches up with her friends. Chris is back for a few weeks and  is considering coming back for good in a few months. She has broken up with Diego a while back and enjoys her single life more than she thought she would.  Vilde is very happy with her projects at school. She says that she hasn’t time to date anyone but that she’s cool with being on her own for a bit. She has a great relationship with her coworkers. 

Sana tells her friends that she accepted a position in a private hospital which allows her to be at home more while having a lot of responsibilities. She has also accepted to hold private and special consultations for muslims women once a week in a centre. Her career is going in the direction she wants to and Yousef supports her with pride. They’re seriously considering welcoming children in need of surgery into their home. 

Isak and Even are back in their honeymoon phase and decided to move in together, in Oslo. Isak loves his new job and doesn’t want to go back to Drammen. Isak makes sure to point out that they still are working through their issues. Even seems greater than the last time Eva saw him. He’s apparently working on a new exciting project for a cinema and has a few projects lined up in Norway and London for the next year. 

Mahdi is still Mahdi. He takes care of his mom, who feeds him every day during his  lunch break. He explains how hard it can be to be a vet. They have five kittens in the clinic and he would like to adopt them all. He shows pictures to everyone who wants to hear their sob story.   

Noora and William are definitely not ready for another kid. They’re planning on going on holiday the three of them to unwind a little bit, because the new parents are exhausted. Noora has been contacted by a magazine to publish a few articles about motherhood. It’s a huge publication, but she doesn’t know yet if she is gonna accept the offer because writing about being a mom isn’t really her thing. William is still getting his PhD and ‘tutoring’ Elias.

Elias comes to the party with Shayla, his fiancé. To his parents’s relief, Elias has decided to settle down with the beautiful nurse working with Sana.

All of her friends are in a place where they’re happy and successful. For the first time in what feels like forever, Eva doesn’t feel outcasted. She is in a happy place, too.

Jonas’s family is there too. They spend time with Alma and shower her with beautiful gifts. They’re smiling and even if Eva knows that it is just a bubble of happiness for them, she’s glad that they seem to be at peace. 

Thea takes Chris’s camera and takes pictures of the whole group of friends. Without even planning it, there is one where everyone is looking at the sky.

Alma blows the candles on her cake and opens her gifts with enthusiasm. 

While everyone is eating a slice of her cake, the princess of the day prefers to go tobogganing. She asks Chris to go with her.

Later, Alma climbs on her mom’s lap and cuddles her. She looks at the sky and squints. Eva kisses her cheek.

“Your dad told the sun to shine today, my love. That’s why he’s shining so bright. It’s his way to wish you a happy birthday.”

 ***

 

_“When people ask about my dad, they’re expecting me to talk about Chris. I understand why; he is the one who drives me to school, who raises me with my mom, he’s the one who is here daily. Chris is not my dad, though. Even if I love him like a dad._

_My dad was called Jonas. I don’t remember him, he died when I was one year and a half._

_I can’t call Chris ‘dad’. I can refer to him as Dad when my siblings are around but otherwise, no. Chris is not my dad. He’s everything to me. He is the closest thing from a father that I have but he’s not my Dad._

_Some people think that I’m unfair to him because he’s been here for me for a long time. He raises me like his own daughter. He obviously brought joy into my home and helped my mom build her life again. He helped her dancing again._

_He could have run. He could have not cared about me. I will be forever grateful for everything he has done for me._

_Maybe I’m unfair. I can’t help but think that letting Chris take my father’s place as ‘my dad’ when he didn’t choose to leave would be unfair to him too._

_Chris has everything from me. He has the good mornings, the goodbyes, the calls when I have good news or when I get bad news, he has the smiles, the tears, the laughs. Chris has family times, Chris taught me how to ride a bike, he will teach me how to drive. Chris is the first one I told about Ethan and I smoking weed. You know what he said? “Lord, you’re totally your dad’s girl”_

_Chris has everything. My dad has only one thing left; me calling him ‘Dad’ and telling people that ‘my dad’ is Jonas Vasquez.”_

Alma Vasquez for her essay on ‘What does Family mean to you?’ (17 years old) 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed your reading.
> 
> Please, let me know what you think about the story, comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: norwegianssweethearts.tumblr.com


End file.
